I Promise My Toothpaste Won't Explode
Recently I was on a flight from LA to Chicago. Without thinking, I brought my large tube of toothpaste. It made it through checkout at LAX with no trouble. I brought it to Chicago, happily brushed my teeth with it several times over the course of four days and all was right with the world. However, on the way back, a sharp-eyed security man at O'Hare saw the monstrous tube. "Sir, we must take t...
Read full storyHitler says Tony evicted him for no reason
A Centugenarian, known to his friends down the OAP centre, as Dolfie, has been evicted by Tony Blair. The very old German said Tony and his wife Cherie had just kicked him out on the street for no reason. Tony denies this. He said he had very good...
Read full storyDarling recommends a pay freeze for Labour MPs
Chancellor Alastair Darling has recommended that all 356 Labour MPs should have their pay - plus expenses and perks - freezed for 2010-11, to pay for doctors, dentists, scientists, teachers, and other valuable public employees. This breaks the con...
Read full storyTeen Buzz Threat To Global Stability
The new "Teen (Mosquito) Buzz" which was originally created to prevent teenage crime is been used by school kids to drive their teachers nuts! All US, Japanese, European and worldwide adolescents have found the once annoying sound can be used as a...
Read full storyThree Letterman Staff Members File A $100 Million Class-Action Lawsuit
MANHATTAN - Three of the Late Show with David Letterman staff members have filed a $100 million class-action lawsuit against the gap-toothed host who seems to be getting less and less funny with each passing show. Attorney Mildred Rothstein has be...
Read full storySitting On De Fence Of The Realm: An Official Hystery Of M15
London - (Smoke 'N' Mirrors): A new book published this week has archived some spectacular clangers by UK security service MI5. Sitting On De Fence of The Realm by Rear Admiral (Rtd) Sir Gusset Baloochie chronicles fifty years of KGB catastrophe a...
Read full storyDetroit Lions' Only Fan Calls It Quits After Sunday's Crushing Defeat
DETROIT, MICHIGAN - When the Detroit Lions had their first win in nearly two years - a 19-14 defeat of the Washington Redskins on September 27 - Harry Havisham was there to rejoice in the moment. In fact, he was the only fan in Ford Field that day,...
Read full storyHuge "Woody" wows the US in Zombieland film but Janet Jackson refused to suck up to it
The latest blockbuster movie to wow the Yanks is Zombieland starring Woody Harrelson, better known as that Zombie barkeeper, thanks Frazier, Cheers. Only problem haunting the movie was the refusal of Janet Jackson to star alongside the massive "Wo...
Read full storyAfrican Cannibal Tribal Chief Wants To Buy Roman Polanski
CHITUNGWIZA, Zimbabwe - One of the most popular cannibal tribal chiefs in Africa, Chief Boomboosha has emailed the Swiss authorities offering to buy Roman Polanski for $20. The Zimbabwean cannibal chief said that he wants to serve RoPo to his trib...
Read full storyGlastonbury Festival 2010 sells out in 5 minutes, only problem is nobody knows the crap line-up
The annual Glastonbury "Bash" is sold out for 2010 without the organisers divulging their main acts. The once so famous rock festival (Led Zeppelin performed there once!) now turned into a mega-festival of, well, much to do about nothing really, a...
Read full storyChanel #69, Now $3,000 An Ounce, Develops #2P
The world-renowned fashion house and famous perfumer Chanel, after producing the 2008 masterpiece $3,000-an-ounce, new #69, has now developed a very special #2P for canines only. "We have taken some of the main ingredients of the odor of 92 diff...
Read full storyIndian Airline Claims Sex Flight A Success
Executives at an Indian airline have hailed as a tremendous success, a new service which caters for the depraved and sex-mad amongst travellers, providing in-flight gratuitous sex facilities. Kabbadi Air started its service with a flight from the...
Read full storyGrandma Lee Joins The Cast Of Saturday Night Live
NEW YORK CITY - A spokesperson for Saturday Night Live has stated that Grandma Lee who finished third in this year's America's Got Talent reality show has agreed to join the cast of regulars on the popular NBC show. The Gramster, as her granddaugh...
Read full storyWhoopi Goldbeg Confesses: Sex with Polanski and Letterman was a 'Joke-Joke'!
Hollywood,CA/ Left Coast Entertainment Commentary - Comedian Whoopi Goldberg shocked her live TV audience on the daytime talk show, The View, with an admission of having sex with both Roman Polanski and David Letterman. Goldberg further confounde...
Read full storyRoman Polanski Rape Comedy Set For Xmas Release
Good news for devotees of noted locked-up film director Roman Polanski as his latest movie is set for a December release. It's a comedy based around a rape, and is somewhat autobiographical in concept. Polanski remains in protective police custody...
Read full storyAnother Letterman Shocker!
No sooner has David Letterman revealed that he has been sleeping with the ladies on his late night TV show, today it was announced in the National Inquirer -in an exclusive! -that the lady he has always called "Mom" who usually comes around on his Th...
Read full storySenate Democrats to sell votes on Craigslist
Senate Democrats on The Senate Finance Committee revealed today that they are putting their votes up for sale on Craigslist. The announcement came amid speculation that the work on the Health Care bill was finally winding down. Senator Max Baucus...
Read full storyBonkettes Blow Rio Away
The sexiest girl band on the planet, the Bonkettes today blew Rio De Janiero away with a stunning performance, made all the more remarkable by the fact that at one point, things threatened to take an ugly turn, before the girls at last emerged triump...
Read full storyThe Royal Christmas Message to be Internet Only
The Queen's Christmas Message will be shown exclusively live only to subscribers on the internet who will pay at least £4.99. All previously broadcast Royal Christmas Messages have been available on TV. Regal Media - an international agency appoin...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Collapsed On Street, Rushed To Hospital
Lindsay Lohan was rushed to the hospital yesterday after she collapsed on the street. An ambulance was summoned and she was rushed to Graves General Hospital & Clinic. This morning there has already been an announcement that Ms. Lohan is doing...
Read full storyAlabama judge accused of sex with invertebrates
Mobile, Alabama - (Cell Phone Scam): Judge Herman Thomas has been indicted on multiple c[o]unts of shagging a spineless fifth column of perpetrators. A former Democratic Party hot pick to be the first black feral judge in south Alabama, Thomas is...
Read full storyOpening A Door Should Give You Right Of Way
Opening a door towards you puts you at a disadvantage if you have some pushy person from the other side coming towards you who doesn't wait his/her turn. Most people when going through a doorway won't think much of this unless it happens to them b...
Read full storySecret Government document: Hidden nuclear weapons in London!
A top secret Government memo detailing the locations of London's secret nuclear weapons arsenal has been found on a school bus in Southwark. The weapons are apparently live and ready to launch within two minutes from just one phone call from the P...
Read full storyLetterman blackmailed -- again!
Unnamed sources in New York City law enforcement have leaked information that Talk Show comedian David Letterman has found himself as the mark in yet another extortion scheme. This time, however, easy money isn't the goal, but something more inti...
Read full storyDallas Cowboys Cheerleaders In Alleged Bank Robbery
Police in Denver, Colorado have issued arrest warrants for six cheerleaders after a daring raid on a city bank this morning, in which 16 customers were assaulted, and three more had their faces sat on. The incident came only hours after the Dallas...
Read full storyTodd Palin Quits His Oil Job - Plans To Run For Governor of Alaska
WASILLA, Alaska - The former 'first dude' of the frozen state of Alaska Todd Palin has just announced that he is resigning his job as oil truck driver for the Dark Black Oil Company of Anchorage. Palin, who was making $14.21 an hour also helped ou...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Depressed - Says The Media Is Ignoring Her
BEVERLY HILLS - Lindsay Lohan called up Ryan Seacrest and told him that ever since her affair with Samantha Ronson ended no one seems to care about her. She said that she has fallen into a state of depression and all she wants to do is watch MASH...
Read full storyDallas Cowboys Lose: Jessica Simpson Says, "Ya See It Wasn't Me After all Was It?"
DENVER - The Denver Broncos improved their record to 4-0 with a 17-10 win over the Dallas Cowboys who fell to 2-2. The Cowboys cannot blame the mile high altitude, or the snow, or the fact that the Denver fans just happen to cheer louder than most...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Zombie Plot Foiled?
Recently a team of scientists came to the conclusion that while the earth might survive a vampire attack, it could not survive a zombie attack. Not understanding the reasoning behind such a study, most have concluded that these men and women have...
Read full storySea Monster Visions Linked to Distilleries
Drumnadrochit - Worldwide reports of sea monsters, Bigfoot and other mysterious creatures have been linked with the location of breweries or distilleries nearby causing some to think that a relationship may exist. Investigative reporter Fergus McFadd...
Read full storyLetterman Weighs in on Charges of Sexual Impropriety
INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA - David Letterman chose the Arby's on SW 41st Avenue in the city of his birth to reflect to a hastily-gathered, exclusive group of reporters about the charges of sexual impropriety that have recently plagued him. Smells of th...
Read full storyJohn Edwards Exclusive Blockbuster Of A Story!
In it's 39th bombshell about John Edwards, the National Inquirer now has it's 54th exclusive, this time it's the mother-in-law of John Edwards former campaign aide's cousin's friend Luigi as he reveals that the family knew all along that her son-in-l...
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