Brett Favre signs $2.8 Million Deal with The Village People
Minneapolis, Mn.- Mitch Mitchsonofabitch, the longtime manager for Brett Favre, announced today that the former Green Bay Packers quarterback has decided to retire from football. "After signing this year with the Minnesota Vikings, he was told h...
Read full storyJackson death was homocide
Los Angeles - (Gay Ass Mess): It was announced that Michael Jackson died a sad and pathetic closet queen, held together by dodgy gay sutures and addiction to pre-surgery anaesthetics. The singer's woes started when his rectum collapsed during FBI...
Read full storyShock Report - Butterflies To Be Exterminated
Cabbage Whites, Greater Fritilliaries, Camberwell Beauties and any other butterfly species you can think of are soon to be wiped from the face of the planet. Global climatologists have discovered that a single butterfly flapping its wings in the m...
Read full storyAl-Megrahi opens nudist casino
Tripoli - (Scott-free Mess): Freed Lockerbie bomber AbdelBasset Ali al-Megrahi has opened a Vegas-style strip club-cum-casino in the Libyan presidential palace just days after legging it from Scotland. So thrilled was Colonel Gaddafi at al-Megrah...
Read full storyWhat's The Story behind Latest Oasis Bust-Up?
Amid rumours of arguments about the quality of support acts, near-fatal throat infections and cancelled gigs, I can today reveal the truth behind the latest feud between Oasis' Gallagher siblings: Noel has been involved in secret plans to oust Liam a...
Read full story10 African ministers in environmental meeting suggest employment of naked Rain Dancers and Voodoo priests!
10 top African ministers are meeting in Ethiopia to discuss climate and environmental issues in, GUESS WHERE, Africa! Most African countries especialy those in Equatorial zones suffer from climate and environmental changes caused mainly by de-fore...
Read full storyThousands of U.S. Clunkers Going To Cuba
DETROIT - The auto industry is reporting that by all accounts the governments 'Cash For Clunkers" program has been a great success. Automobile clunkers from Maine to California have been taken off the street and put in what is being called the big...
Read full storyAnnual World Masturbation Championships Held in Wacker, Georgia
This year, the World Masturbation Championship will be held in the town of Wacker, Georgia, United States. Previous championships have been held in a rotation in Wanker, England and Beater, Australia. Festivities will include the induction of Paul...
Read full storyAtheist Converts to Islam
Nobody would have imagined that the world's greatest sceptic, Dicky Dorkface, has finally discovered that there is a god. Dorkface, who is an authority on non-gods, is famous for his poster campaign on city buses where he proclaimed that "there is...
Read full storyCalifornia Voters To Change Name of San Francisco
Calfiornia voters, tired of the gay community of San Francisco trying to shove gay marriage down their throats, have voted to change the name of the city. In a vote that received 80% support outside of the bay area, state voters elected to change th...
Read full storyWhat the butler heard - Obama eaves-dropped on whilst talking to the dog
President Obama was recently eaves-dropped while talking to Bo, the White House dog. Obama: "Looking back at the history of Presidents and their dogs, assassination is far more likely to happen to me than it is to you. "I would love to do what I said I would do, but that would mean that you would have nowhere to live - so what do you reckon I should do." The dog replied: "I think you shou...
Read full storyLand of the free - as long as you agree
Apparently a dying man Ali al Megrahi was released from prison on compassionate grounds because he is dying. Megrahi was convicted of the Lockerbie bombing in which so many people lost their lifes. It is a well known fact (well as far as conspiracy theories are really factual) that no evidence could be found to convict anybody of this horrendous crime until the Americans paid a shopkeeper i...
Read full storyAdam Lambert Sets the Record Straight
In a statement released yesterday Adam Lambert, 2nd runner up of American Idol 2009, sets the record straight on his sweaty, smelly fans comment. "First, I want to apologize to my fans-the greatest fans in the world, for lying to you all. Just because you believe every word that comes out of my mouth does not mean I should take advantage of that. Taking advantage is not sexy. Neither is lyin...
Read full storySmurfette and Sassette See Seriously Shitty Concert at BOKK Center
T-hee Town, Jokelahona, UEssay So after six months of breathless anticipation, Sassette and I finally prepared for the Daft Panthurr concert at the world-famous Big Ole Krushed Kann (BOKK) Centaer here in T-hee Town, Jokelahoma yesterday. Having had the foresight to visit our local Ache-Adam-and-Eve Sports Authority previously, we were well equipped with hiking boots, rock climbing shoes, clim...
Read full storyPaula Abdul Doesn't Get Ugly Betty Role Due To Demands
Paula Abdul, recently fired by American Idol as a celebrity judge, will not be joining the cast of Ugly Betty like she wanted to. Producers of the hit comedy show said that Abdul's demands removed her from consideration for the part. An assistant...
Read full storyTennessee To Lower Age Of Consent
The State Legislature of the State of Tennessee will vote today on whether or not to lower the age of consent. That age is currently 16, but lawmakers and lobbyists are attempting to lower it to the age of 12. Dylan "Bubba" Edwards, a member of t...
Read full storySuze Orman Tries To Help Keep Us From Getting Too Poor.
Suze Orman, the famous financial guru of our times has written an article for the latest issue of USA Weekend (USA Weekend? What's that?- It's the direct ripoff of the Sunday news's Parade magazine, right down to the size and style, only not as good.) In it Suze has given us some of her valuable time to let us, we the endangered species who still read newspapers AND the endangered species of worki...
Read full storyMan Apologizes for Naked Ass in Church
A man in Zion, Utah apologized for showing his naked ass in church. The man, Brigham Heber Smith, said that he understood the rule that all males were supposed to wear slacks, a white shirt, and a tie in the building and that all women should be in...
Read full storyFoo Fighters and Pete Wentz To Act In Broadway Musical
The Foo Fighters are attached to a still untitled Broadway musical that will also feature Fall Out Boys' Pete Wentz. The Foo Fighters and Wentz auditioned and they eventually got accepted. There, they had to sing classical classics and dance balet...
Read full storyJohn Edwards and Mark Sanford To Star In "Leave It To Beaver - The Movie"
HOLLYWOOD - Warner Brothers Pictures has just announced that they have signed Senator John Edwards of North Carolina and Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina to star in the Angelo Scappalini production of "Leave It To Beaver - The Movie." The m...
Read full storyRyan O'Neal Ate Farrah
MALIBU - Authorities arrested Farrah Fawcett's former lover Ryan O'Neal for allegedly eating the actress who videotaped her own demise. O'Neal then made a barnyard pass at his daughter, Tatum O'Neal, at Farrah's own funeral. O'Neal had this to sa...
Read full storyElementary School Science Fair Winners Announced
Helen Griggsby, 6th grade science teacher at the Robert E. Lee Elementary School here in Stonewall, Tennessee, announced the science fair winners for this year. Ms. Griggsby has been teaching science for 37 years and taught just about everybody in t...
Read full storyDallas Cowboy 90-Foot Screens To Show Only Cheerleaders in Bikini Thongs
Jerry Johnson, owner of the Dallas Cowboys is upset because he thinks that Tennessee Titan's punter, A.J. Trapasso's high kick last week was aimed directly at the Cowboy's new stadium giant screen. "Why else would he kick a high kick from his own...
Read full story17 Reasons Why Hilary Duff Is A Sorta Actress
17- She played Wendy in the direct-to-video sequel to the 1995 film "Casper", "Casper Meets Wendy" which also starred George Hamilton and was directed by Sean McNamara who would later work with Hilary on multifarious projects. (1998) 16- She appeared in the television film "The Soul Collector", which was based on a Kathleen Kane novel, for which she won a Young Artist Award for "Best Performanc...
Read full storyMonkeys to Regulate Banks
In a spectacularly brave move, British Chancellor and All round purveyor of Cock Cheese Alistair Darling has announced that he intends to head the Tories off at the pass and revolutionise Financial Regulation before the next election. In plans ann...
Read full storyInbred Mutant Hoody Zombie Teen Stalk 'N' Slash Massacre - Part Six
The two dead zombies have been removed. The six teens sit, hanging on every word issuing from the mouth of the grizzled warrior known to them only as Buck. Outside the camper, the storm rages. "What exactly is going on here?" Todd ventures. Buck doesn't hear. He's preoccupied with Angie's protruding bullet like nipples and the damp skimpy top covering them. He's thinking of whipped cre...
Read full storyGlobal Warming Credited With Sales Surge
An unprecedented rise in the world retail total sales index (the WROOTSIE) has been the subject of detailed analysis by the World Money Bank (WMB). The WMB has decided that the only consistent, significant international causative factor of the 38%...
Read full storyLindsey Lohan's Home Broken Into, "Personals" Stolen
In Los Angeles, a spokesperson for Lindsay Lohan says the "Mean Girls" actress's home in the Hollywood Hills has been burglarized and many personal items taken, including all nude photos framed on the walls of each room. Spokeswoman Janice Lesbos,...
Read full storyOne Star Bandit Forced into Emergency Surgery to Recover His Ass!
A local Australian internet literary critic was caught today in an elaborate honey trap prepared by a cabal of disgruntled Spoof Writers fed up with being dissed for their intellectual work. Percey "Poison Pen" Bloodwaithe, his ancestors exiled...
Read full storyThe Dating Game #3
The third instalment in the occasional series documenting my perceived, hopeful and, to be brutally fucking honest, last ditch attempt at finding love, companionship, conversation and a shag. You'll remember (or maybe not) that my application for "Subtle Connections" had been accepted and I had sent away my application. Well I am obliged to inform you that I have had success. Of sorts.
Read full storyPolice to get extremely high powered Taser gun
In a bid to thwart public disorder, and before the football season really kicks off - or more to the point, before the troublemaking fans kick-off - the Police are to be issued with extremely high-powered Tasar guns. The Secretary of State for Hoo...
Read full storyThrifty Tips #7
Continuing with our occasional series which brings you condescending advice aimed at saving you pennies, but normally with disastrous results,we are today going to tackle the serious subject of mobile phone induced brain schizophrenia. We all know that it has never been unscientifically proven, or otherwise, that using a mobile phone causes brain schizophrenia, or any other disease for that mat...
Read full storyUS Launches B2 Bombers To Attack Edinburgh; Obama calls for the football
A Warrant Officer of the US Army is always within sight of the president of the United States and he carries the "football" - the nickname for the briefcase containing the codes and orders for launching nuclear strikes. The president, enraged at t...
Read full storyScottish Devolution Experiment To Be Abandoned?
The Scots have aspired to their own government for centuries and the Scottish Parliament was established in Edinburgh 10 years ago. The parliamentary building, Holyrood House, vastly exceeded its budget in terms of time and cost and was a white el...
Read full storyPolice Issue Warning
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman. Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer' . The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade thei...
Read full storyThe Real Reason That Hurricane Bill Amazingly Veered Away From The East Coast
CAPE COD, Massachusetts - Just about every weather forecaster had predicted that Hurricane Bill was going to hit the east coast of the United States. But Bill, or Billy as Larry Kings calls him miraculously made a right turn and veered away from t...
Read full storyMan Runs Down Two Pedestrians. Seatbelt Not Worn.
30 year old John Jones didn't know when he left his home yesterday morning to go to Walmart to get a great deal on back to school supplies for his three children that he would be arrested because he chose not to wear his seatbelt. "I always though...
Read full storyA True Adam Lambert Fan Speaks Out
I was looking for a die hard fan to talk to about Adam Lambert for this article. I wanted to know what it was about the 2nd place,gay runner up on American Idol season 8,that made woman cream in their jeans or polyester pants, whichever the case may be. Through my research I came across an eloquent post on Adams own fan site and I knew I had to talk to the Glambert, (Mr. Lamberts most vocal...
Read full storyCivil Liberties Detainee Retreat to Open in Michigan
Standish MI: A maximum security prison in this city was under consideration to house the Guantanamo detainees, instead of the federal prison located in Fort Leavenworth KN. Michigan's governor and some members of the state's congressional delegati...
Read full storyEngland Regain Ashes And Set Fire To Ricky Ponting's Bat To Celebrate
There were prolonged celebrations at the Oval last night as the England cricket team thrashed the Australians by 197 runs, in a victory which saw them take the 5-Test npower series 2-1. There was more to follow, however, when it was reported that som...
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