Written by Shirley Sharpener

Monday, 24 August 2009


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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I was looking for a die hard fan to talk to about Adam Lambert for this article. I wanted to know what it was about the 2nd place,gay runner up on American Idol season 8,that made woman cream in their jeans or polyester pants, whichever the case may be.

Through my research I came across an eloquent post on Adams own fan site and I knew I had to talk to the Glambert, (Mr. Lamberts most vocal fan group) who wrote it. When I approached her through e-mail she refused the interview. She stated, "If you have to ask me why Adamgasms are a routine part of my day then you are just a closed minded homophobe and I will not be a part of your conspiracy to bring Adam down."

I got the same response a dozen times,but I almost had her when I pretended to be Harvey Milk. We had the interview set up and ready to go then at zero hour a poster on site told her Harvey Milk was dead.

Well, my deadline will not wait for me to fabricate something, which I would never do anyway, so here is the post in it's entirety. It's all you need to know about Adam Lamberts appeal but what's more it tells you about Adam's true fans.

"Omg, fellow Glamberts, you are not going to believe this but I met our Ultimate Hotness, RockGod, Living Legend, Adam Lambert-SQUEE!!!

Okay, here's how it went down. I was shopping at Whole Foods-remember the story about Mombert sending our BB gift certs to there before his Glambulge was world famous? Well, it's the only place I shop now and I'll tell you, I know where His Holy Hotness gets his good taste from-Mombert. She's one special awesome lady!!!!!

Anyway, I was checking out the cucumbers-I was looking for one that would be equal to Adam's talent. From the look of his package and believe me I looked (I'm so naughty) I'd have to find one that was at least 12 inches long and six inches across-do they even make cucumbers that big?! I wonder if the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree-hmmmm now another thing for me to think about.

I know, I know, you're all saying get on with the story, ADAMS#1TWAT. Okay, as I was measuring the cucumbers I heard a choir of Angels sing and was filled with the Light of Love. I turned to my left and there was our Beacon of all that is Goodness and Right in the World, grabbing a head of lettuce. Adam likes lettuce! Don't forget to add it to your list of things you have to start eating if you haven't already.

He is even Morrrrrre GORGEOUS in person. He was wearing a pair of ripped jeans. OH, my, I never knew kneecaps could be so sexy and make me so horny. Adam is making me such a naughty girl and I'm loving it!!! And Glamberts, he was wearing the shirt from the Tudor picture. Do I even have to tell you how insanely SEXY that was??!!!! Only wish he was wearing the hat but he had Elvis hair!!!

I didn't know what to do so I threw the cucumber at him since he likes that kind of thing. He looked me right in the eye-now I know what everyone who has met him means about the eye contact and the feeling like you are the only person in his Adamazing World. I felt soooo connected to him and I know he felt it too because he SPOKE to ME.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

What a sense of humor and aww, he's so cute when he's pretending to be mad. The way his perfect eyebrows raise and his luscious lips form a perfect circle and then how his top teeth hit his bottom lip when he says "fuck"-I wish he was using THAT word in a DIFFERENT context.

I laughed out loud and he shook his Rock God head. He let out a breath then he laughed softly while running his hand over his gorgeous face. I'm glad he knew I knew he was kidding. I wouldn't want our BB to think his fans are a bunch of humorless old bats who don't get it.

"Adam, do you know how beautiful you are?" I can't believe I asked him that because I thought I would just completely freeze up if I ever had the honor to meet such a magnificent person as is Adam Lambert!!!

"Everyone is beautiful," then while peering deeply into my soul he smiled that 1000 watt little boy, with hot, sexy, manly overtone, smile before adding "in their own way."

I about fainted. I expected many wonderful things from our Rock Stallion but I never in a million years thought he would put our looks on the same level. Glamberts-Adam thinks I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN HE HAS EVER SEEN!!!!!! I went to hug him but he put out his sensuous hand.

"Back off, Bitch"

Adam called me a BITCH-I am, out of the mouths of Rock God, one of Adams Bitches!!! My joy is only overshadowed by the fact that in my excitement I went in for that hug when I know that any human contact whatsoever could damage his vocal chords. For that I am TRULY ashamed.

"Meeting you has changed my life forever." I had to let him know.

"So does that mean you're going to start bathing because man you stink."

His scrunched up nose was even CUTER and SEXIER than the way he said 'fuck'-if you can believe it. Truth be told I was a little ripe-lol. I have this condition and when I get excited I sweat profusely. Good thing Adam Sexy Pants told us in the beginning he has no filter or else I might have been a little bit offended but because I know he just says whatever he feels or is thinking it makes me LOVE him even more!!! If only the homophobes could see Adam the way I do then they wouldn't feel the need to bring up that Adam's gay every chance they get. I'm so tired of hearing about Adam being gay. Yes, I know he's gay and I don't care that he's gay!!!!!! I'd bang him in a heartbeat-gay or straight- especially after meeting him in person.

Sorry about the rant Glamberts, it's just every time I think about how much I LOVE Adam, it makes my blood boil just thinking about how some people can only focus on his being gay. Theres so many wonderful, beautiful, enchanting things about Adam why do people have to focus on his being gay? It makes me very sad when people do that.

On with the story.

"Thank you for caring, Adam." I was so overcome with emotion because Glamberts he really does care. His capacity for Love is greater than any human being-I could feel it. I know he wanted to wipe away my tears but he knows one of the greatest gifts he gives us, his devoted fans, is his voice and to risk loosing that by touching me-it was risky enough that he was sharing the same air with other people- would hurt many people so instead he laughed. He laughed long and he laughed hard in an effort to cheer me up and his effort was not in vain, Glamberts. I felt the happiest, giddiest I've ever felt in my 52 years of life. Even the births of my 6 children didn't bring me such joy as that laugh of LOVE. And like the gracious, humble man Glambulge Delight is,he walked away without asking for any gratitude whatsoever.

I hope all of you have the great pleasure of meeting our Rock Stud Muffin God. It will change your life!!!

And Adam if you're reading this, and I know you do read the things we post, THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Adam Lambert is certainly a lucky guy.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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