Written by rfreed

Monday, 24 August 2009

image for Suze Orman Tries To Help Keep Us From Getting Too Poor.
Heck, yeah! I'll follow Suze's advise! She's always done right by me!

Suze Orman, the famous financial guru of our times has written an article for the latest issue of USA Weekend (USA Weekend? What's that?- It's the direct ripoff of the Sunday news's Parade magazine, right down to the size and style, only not as good.) In it Suze has given us some of her valuable time to let us, we the endangered species who still read newspapers AND the endangered species of working class America, learn how we can 'keep More Money In Our Wallets." Gee, thanks Suze. Nice of you to even notice us! Or is the recession cutting down your million dollar empire too, forcing you to do business is shoddier neighborhoods?

The only problem with that is that Suze is a yuppie, writes for yuppies and only understands yuppies. And yuppies don't read the Sunday paper normally. So, while it is wonderful that Suze took the time to write this wonderful article for us, I doubt that many will be able to relate to it.

Let's go over it together:

1. Reassess your home: Provided that in our present economy you still have a home. Even if you do, it isn't worth beans now.

2. Update insurance: Insurance? When was the last time anyone under $35,000 a year had insurance?

3. Diversify your savings: Savings? What is that? I remember my parents talking about that back before the Reagan era. I think that is something where you actually had extra money in the bank. Or maybe it was just a fairy tale that I can't remember correctly.

4. Increase your exemptions: Sorry, I had to sell the wife and kids to avoid losing the house.
Now you tell me.

5. Say "no" to store cards: What? Why??? That's the only thing I can get for free anymore.

6. Borrow wisely for college: College? Oh nuts! Was I supposed to go to college? No wonder I got stuck in this cruddy job!

Somehow getting ones financial advice from someone who makes her entire living from putting up a good front and writing books and giving seminars to yuppies on how to make money when you already have oodles of it seems pointless. She doesn't understand what life is like for anyone without a BMW. Plus, how can you take advice from someone who can't even write her first name right?

Other non-Suze recommendations in the article include paying with cash, enjoying free sights drinking tap water instead of bottled water, working out at home instead of a gym, attending college instead of professional sports games and best of all, being a critic for product companies in order to get free samples. Gee, wow, I never would have thought of these things. But I never give up my Desanti, I really like giving Coca-Cola my money so they can be richer! Maybe I can do all these things while I am living out of my auto. It is hard doing my exercises there, though.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: yuppies

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more