Obama Victory Will Mean White House Changes
Democratic party insiders say that a victory for Barack Obama in the US Presidential elections in November, will mean some changes at the White House, including its name, and a new coat of paint. Mr Obama, who has been called a Halfrican in some q...
Read full storyFree Tibet, my ass
Please do not liberate my country. I understand you energy, your good nature, and your idealism. I was the same when I was your age. First, thanks you all. Now, I'm a naturalized US citizen collecting generous welfare benefits. You do not understand how my life has been improved staying here. Just imagine living in the tallest mountain in your country year round. There are always folks wa...
Read full storyZoom Mile High Airlines goes bust
London - (Ass Mess): The aviation industry has blamed transatlantic budget carrier Zoom Mile High Airlines's recent downgrading strategy of offering passengers less bang for their buck for the company's collapse today. Zoom Mile High has filed for...
Read full storyApple Admits iPhone 3G Units Exploding
The charismatic leader of Apple Corporation, Steve Jobs, admitted today that all units of the iPhone 3G sold worldwide are being recalled immediately. "There have been several instances with the unit where it thermally destabilized, outwardly proj...
Read full storyBerbatov Transfer Scandal As 'Body Double' Found
Dimitar Berbatov, the unsettled Tottenham striker, is at the centre of Fraud allegations tonight, after a 'body double' of the moody Bulgarian was found in a North London factory. Berbatov has been a target for Manchester United recently, and it w...
Read full storyHarry Potter is all made up
There was a shock across the world of Literature today, when it was revealed that Harry Potter is simply a work of fiction. The Aunt of Potter, who kept him locked in a cupboard told us: 'He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy' 'All of...
Read full storyRonseal Marriage
A couple from London are getting married, after meeting over the last tin of Ronseal in a DIY shop. Reginald Kendall III, and his bride to be Felicity Dwight met in an un-named DIY emporium after both were looking for an elusive tin of Ronseal Qui...
Read full storyShaun Can't Dance Samba-Phillips
Shaun Can't Dance Samba-Phillips was today booted out of a Premier West London Samba School. The elitist West London based Samba Swivelers have,for ages,been trying to get shot of Mr Bandy-Legs Can't Dance-Can't Score,even including him as a sale...
Read full storyTwiglet Conundrum
Scientists in Britain have found a break-through for people who like Twiglets, but can't stand Marmite. Professor Dingle from the University of Emmerdale said: 'For years Marmite has been sold with the tag-line, you either love it, or you hate it?...
Read full storySex, Politics, And Ego Force Clintons Into Yelling Therapy!
Blame it on Obama, the voters, Hillary, Bubba, or part or all of these. But, Hillary Clinton is now one angry woman, with enough rage to scare every death row inmate in California. She delivered a speech last night, very Presidential, and I even t...
Read full storyEastEnders Slags To Star In New Series Of Strictly Come Dancing
EastEnders slappers, Kathy Beale/Mitchell, and the ex-Queen Vic barmaid, Kath Slater/Moon, are to 'trip the light fantastic' in the new BBC1 series of Strictly Come Dancing, and the bitter rivals have vowed to engage in a 'dance to the death'. The...
Read full storyRadcliffe Beat Up By A Bunch Of 5 Year Olds
Because he is such a charitable young man and because he really does care about the future of our country, acting sensation Daniel Radcliffe (19) took it upon himself to visit his local 'summer holiday club' to read 'Harry Potter stories' to the youn...
Read full storyDaniel Radcliffe Stalker In Bloody Suicide Attempt
Well known stalker of Daniel Radcliffe, Flophie Payne (16) is recovering in hospital today after throwing herself in front of a train in the early hours of this morning. Unfortunately the teen was wearing brightly coloured Radcliffe merchandise a...
Read full storyPresident Bush prepares nation for Gustav
Washington, D.C. - At a press conference today, President Bush outlined the government's response plans as hurricane Gustav approaches the Gulf Coast. "First, let me say how grateful we are that hurricane Katrina tore up so much along the Gulf Coa...
Read full storyBarack Obama Assassination Plot Foiled
Security men arrested a fat man loitering close to the site where Democratic party Presidential nominee Barack Obama was due to make a speech last night. The man, in his late forties, and weighing around 400 pounds, was taken away in a police veh...
Read full storyGary Glitter To Star In New Home Alone Movie
Gary Glitter is all set to star in the new Home Alone movie alongside Macaulay Culkin. "Negotiations are ongoing as we speak, but Gary is enthusiastic and so are we. It will be an interesting project for sure", stated Irish director Pete O' Feile.
Read full storyHappy Britain Rejoices In Happiness!
British people are the happiest folks in the world, according to a report, with Powys in Wales, and Manchester at the top of the list of Britain's Happiest Places. Information from the British Household Panel Survey suggests that Britain fares bet...
Read full storyHuman Guinea Pig Mutations fault of pasteurised Orange Drink
A final sanitised report into a clinical trial of the experimental drug TGN 1412 at a Little Hampton clinic that left six men seriously mutated in March found the catastrophic adverse physical reactions they suffered were not due to errors in how the...
Read full story'Barack always goes commando' says wife amid Obama 08 boxer shorts launch
Denver, Colorado - (Bare Ass Mess): Michelle Obama has poo-pooed reports that her husband wears Andrew Christian's newly launched Obama 08 Y-fronts and boxer shorts. "Mah husban's gonna be commander-in-chief; he always goes commando," Mrs O claime...
Read full storyRice shortage having no effect in Britain
It's official. The Rice shortage in Britain is having no noticeable effect on the economy. Many economists thought that with Condoleezza Rice not having been seen in the UK for several months, this might be having a severe effect on the economy. H...
Read full storyLondon borough employs daleks to deal with smokers
Are you a smoker who uses a pub in Westminster? Do you carelessly drop your cigarette butt on the ground? From October you could end up being exterminated. This is a new measure by Westminster City Council to deal with the problems of discarded c...
Read full storyIt's official - Julie Moult is an idiot
Julie Moult, a 'journalist' from right-wing rag The Daily Mail has been exposed as a grade 'A' idiot, according to the Internet today. Following up on her award winning stories such as 'Nazi racoons on warpath' she wrote a poorly researched piece...
Read full storyChris Matthews proposes to Barack Obama live on TV
During the Democratic Convention cable news correspondent and Hard Ball host, Chris Matthews asked for Barack Obama's hand in marriage live on TV after he gave his speech. Matthews had previously stated that when Barack Obama spoke he felt a ting...
Read full storyNational competition launched for Councils in England and Wales
A national competition to find the most stupid Council in Britain was launched today by the late Benny Hill. Forget Health and Safety, Charter Marks and Best Practice - the hunt is now on in what is expected to be the most hotly-contested competit...
Read full storyCompany Policy
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold...
Read full storyMilliband Feasts on Chickenhawk Kiev!
The foreign minister of the United Kingdom, David Milliband faced down the Russian bear cub from the relative safety of the Ukraine while Georgia is what's really on the mind of baby bear Putin. Milliband dined on Chickenhawk Kiev in the Ukrainian ca...
Read full storyClintons Adulate Obama Amid Rumors of Big Job Payoffs!
The Democratic Convention has been awash with smiling Clintons and inundated with gossip of grandiose political appointments to buy the support of the former first family. Chelsea Clinton who has defied conventional beauty all of her life is s...
Read full storyFellatio Correlates with Suckcessful Presidency!
Political scientists and sexsual researchers have dickheads together in an effort to discover why one relatively recent American President had eight years of brilliant accomplishments in both domestic and foreign policy and why another turned out to...
Read full storyDepartment of Health closes Major League Baseball Stadium Dugouts
Outbreaks of bacterial and viral diseases have spurred the U.S. Public Health Service officials to close the dugouts in all Major League Baseball stadiums. Technician's retrieved samples of saliva- laden drinking cups, chewing gum and tobacco that w...
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