"Pincha loco" man fixture on American escalator says "No me puedo salir adelante; No es posible llegar ariba"
A man was discovered today in a nearby shopping mall trapped on an escalator trying to make it to the next level. Jorge Gonzales says that he has been climbing those stairs on the escalator for 37 years and still hasn't made it to the top.
Read full storyOsama Bin Laden Captured!
(Washington) - An un-named U.S. Senator revealed that Osama Bin Laden has been captured by U.S. forces and is being held under heavy guard in a top secret U.S. location...
Read full storyBlue Peter Was Always a Fake Claims ex-Staff Man
Former Blue Peter employee Lester 'Lester' Lester, 67, plunged the children's flagship programme into new depths of scandal-despair yesterday, when he claimed - in the light of recent revelations about faked competition winners and rigged...
Read full storyNew Justice Department Head, Michael Mukasey holds court on civil liberties
US Senate members pulled an all-nighter yesterday, complete with all-dressed Godfather's pizzas, Krispy cremes with sparkles (and in an ethnic salute to new-found friend India) Big Gulp Mango Chutney Squeegies.
Read full storyJill Dando Knocker Shocker
The Jill Dando Memorial Fund (the JDMF) has announced the launch of a new range of door accessories in memory of Miss Dando, to be entitled "Jill's Knockers."...
Read full storyBookmakers Ban Blair Bets
Bookmakers Coral & William Hill have been inundated with a dead 'sherbet' that Tony Blair will be given a knighthood in the New Year's Honours list. There are already so many Sir (insert the name of your choice) B...
Read full storyWhite House denies Bush Sr. made skydive in preparation for invasion of Iran; he now double talks, saying Invading Iraq was the way to go!
College Station, Texas - Eight-three-year-old, George H.W. Bush took the ultimate leap of faith that Americans believe him now as he jumped out of an airplane today strapped to a member of the U.S. Army Golden Knights parachute team. It was in celebr...
Read full storyGolf and the Art of War
Did you know that golf is part of our national defense? If not, join the (country) club. I didn't either.
Read full storyNext Ford Car Will Not Have Wheels!
DETROIT - Designers at Ford Motor Company have finally thrown away the book. "We are sick and tired of producing cars that all look basically the same! From our earliest Model T Ford right up to our complete 2008 model year, every single Ford...
Read full storyChelsy dumps Harry because he looks like a ginger Bill Clinton
London - (Unrequited Mess): A livid Chelsy Davy has dumped the Pretender's younger brat Prince Harry because she'd fed up of people telling her that he looks like a ginger version of Bill Clinton.
Read full storyCanada is an organized crime lair
CANADA -- Heavily armed police emergency response teams should seize the Canadian Governments assets as part of an international crackdown on organized crime.
Read full storyTory tosser Aitken back in the fold
London - (Ass mess): Lying, perjuring scumbag and former Tory Minister for Arms (sic) Procurement Jonathan Aitken is back in the Hellfire Club fold after blagging his way up David Cameron's arse.
Read full story'Shut Up & Go Home Commie Crackhead!' Spanish Puppet Monarch Tells Chavez
Santiago, Chile - (Ibero-American Mess): Spain's puppet monarch King Juan Carlos The Jackal threw a major wobbly today at the Ibero-American summit in Chile and ordered Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez to "shut the f##k up" before calling...
Read full storyRussian oil tanker disaster: Putin blames razor clams
Black Sea - (Disaster Mess): President Vladimir Putin has blamed an infestation of mating Ukrainian razor clams for the sinking of four Russian ships including an oil tanker which split in half during a heavy storm last night.
Read full storyHeather Mills McCartney Death Ruled Accidental
LONDON - Fueled by wild speculation in the press, the actual cause of the death of Heather Mills, estranged wife of Sir Paul McCartney, became known today.
Read full storyJade Goody - "2007 has been my Horrible Anus"
This year, nothing much has gone right for the reality TV queen. Jade Goody shot to fame on Big Brother 3, where she emerged as the nation's favourite bimbo. Since then she's made over £50 million, in book de...
Read full storyRon Paul traveling "Yellow Brick Road" gold standard finds supporters; is attacked by flying monkeys sent by Giuliani; hires Blackwater USA to put Giuliani down
It was reported today that it wasn't long ago 10-term Texas congressman, Ron Paul, was back in Kansas tending to his conventional duties on the farm. Yet weather conditions in Kansas caused Mr. Paul's house to be lifted up and placed in a lan...
Read full storyIRA/UVF issue historic joint statement
In an unprecedented move, leading Irish Republican terrorist organisation, the IRA, and leading Unionist terrorist organisation, the Ulster Volunteer Force, have issued a joint statement.
Read full storyMedia takes out injunction against Heather Mills
The mass world-wide media has decided to take the unusual step of obtaining a court order against the strange and estranged ex wife of Paul McCartney, in an attempt to get some peace and quiet from her constant whinging and whining.
Read full storyBush Welcomes Mukasey As Attorney General Torturer
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - George Bush has welcomed Michael Mukasey into his dying and corrupt administration as attorney general in charge of torture, saying, "I can always use another fascist Zionist pervert here. OMG, Mukasey is a totally sick...
Read full storyFBI Apprehends Ron Paul Spam Trio
In a what is hailed as a first in internet regulation, the FBI has apprehended three youths for the recent wave of spam criminally supporting the campaign of Ron Paul for President. Ron Paul, previously alleged to be negligibly complicit to the crime...
Read full storyPakistani Idol judges fired
General Pervez Musharraf appeared on prime-time TV yesterday and admitted that he had fired the entire "Pakistani Idol" panel of judges because rumors had reached him "that they meant to boot me off the island".
Read full storyGovernor Of Georgia Prays For Rain; Gets Sued.
(Atlanta) - The State of Georgia is undergoing the worst drought in its history. The long hard drought threatens to dry up crops, dry up money and dry up people. Things are so bad that Governor Sonny Perdue last week, in desperation, called for the p...
Read full storyThe Tent, Part III
I somehow was proud of my own nervous system not succumbing. At the same time I watched them closely. They seemed to have turned into soft clay, enlarging, dwindling, bulging, thinning, and lengthening. In the meantime, the shepherd boy behaved differently: he could no longer shut his mouth; he kept gaping. He no longer could move. When, someone asked him to fetch something, the boy tried in vain...
Read full storyJustice Served...?
Don't we all love the concept of justice? Isn't the idea of truth, fairness and equality something we all hold dear? Doesn't it seem right that a murderer should be caught and apprehended as soon as possible? Doesn't the idea of a smoothly running criminal justice system just rank right up there with other happy, furry things like kittens, wine, sex on the beach and amateur pornogr...
Read full storyRoyal Break-up: Prince Harry's Girlfriend Should Be Committed
LONDON - Prince Harry's girlfriend, Chelsy Davy, has split from the spoiled royal saying "he lacked a real commitment" to their relationship.
Read full storyRon Paul In Serious Condition After Hoop Snake Bite!
Minneapolis- Ron Paul was making a routine campaign stop in rural Minnesota when screams came from the crowd of 30 or so on-lookers as they scurried out of the way of what appeared to be a rolling tire. Paul saw it at the last minute and turned to ru...
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