Written by Mongrel

Sunday, 11 November 2007

image for Jade Goody - "2007 has been my Horrible Anus"
...she's had a horrible anus too.

This year, nothing much has gone right for the reality TV queen. Jade Goody shot to fame on Big Brother 3, where she emerged as the nation's favourite bimbo. Since then she's made over £50 million, in book deals, fitness videos, endorsements and even her own perfume brand. For 5 years her every blag and shag provided a lucrative income via the tabloids.

So when Jade entered the house again as a celebrity, everyone thought it would continue. But two weeks of the braying, squeaky high-pitched, "would-you-like-a-chicken-curry" voice of Bollywood starlet Shilpa Poppadom, proved her downfall. When the housemates ran out of Oxo cubes and all the hounds of hell were set loose. Viewing figures went through the roof as people tuned in to ensure they didn't miss the chance to express their outrage.

The Ofcom switchboard was jammed with over 13 million complaints. Indian takeaways were closed in protest, provoking food riots in Bradford and Birmingham. In India effigies of Jade were burned, and there were calls for Britain to be expelled from the Commonwealth. Prime Minister Gordon Brown held an emergency meeting with the Indian government, and nuclear war was only just averted when Mr Brown diplomatically advised the Indians that - "Jade's just a gobby mare, it's not really our fault".

Jade, in a recent interview reflected on the events. "It was awful" she said. "Everyone seemed to turn against me, and I didn't get a magazine shoot for nearly three weeks". Never at a loss for malapropisms, Jade recalled the Queen once having a Horrible Anus. "She burnt down a castle-thingy and nearly ruined it. Then she found it wasn't insured. I've had insurance problems myself too wiv my car, so I fink we've got a lot in common. Everyone has one bad year" she said. "And this year's definitely mine".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Jade Goody




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