DETROIT - Designers at Ford Motor Company have finally thrown away the book. "We are sick and tired of producing cars that all look basically the same! From our earliest Model T Ford right up to our complete 2008 model year, every single Ford has had the same thing: four rubber-tired wheels connected to an engine. Our engineers have been turning out the same boring thing for almost a hundred years. We've managed to pull the wool over the public's eyes all these years by throwing in little doodads like streamlined fins, cup-holders, and windshield wipers, but we can't seem to break away from four wheels connected to an engine."
"Our ho-hum cars are nothing short of a vast conspiracy in which:
- Tire manufacturers are kept in business.
- Oil companies get fabulously wealthy from selling gas to every Tom, Dick and Harry who has an engine.
- Our government is kept busy spending billions of dollars for unnecessary concrete highways."
This is the last year for these cars. Starting in 2009:
- Ford cars will not have wheels; nor will they have engines!
- Concrete and other hard surfaced roads will cease to be built or maintained.
- The "new roads" will provide all the energy needed to move all the new wheel-less, engine-less cars.
Ford engineers are being very tight-lipped about how they plan on pulling off this amazing technological breakthrough other than a few hints leaked to Rotten Apple, a reporter for the online newspaper TheSpoof.com. According to Rotten Apple:
- The new transportation system will work something like those moving sidewalks in airport, but with a top secret conductor instead of moving treads - and capable of maintaining tight traffic patterns at speeds of up to 250 mph.
- The conductor will be powered by non-fossil-fueled power plants spaced all around the country.
- The entire new transportaion scheme was thought up by Dean Kamen during the years since his last invention: the Segway.