IRA/UVF issue historic joint statement

Funny story written by Mark James

Sunday, 11 November 2007

image for IRA/UVF issue historic joint statement
Friendly advice from the paramilitaries

In an unprecedented move, leading Irish Republican terrorist organisation, the IRA, and leading Unionist terrorist organisation, the Ulster Volunteer Force, have issued a joint statement.

Observers say that the statement is historic and the idea that the two groups would even talk to each other was inconceivable just days ago.

In their statement, the IRA and UVF decried the "media frenzy" and said that "people should lay off Sir Ian Blair".

"People forget that Met Chief, Sir Ian Blair, has made the city of London a much safer place. In almost every area, citizens can walk the streets without fear of crime. The one little exception is for people who aren't quite as white as they could be if they only made the effort. If people will walk around looking foreign, they are bringing it on themselves."

The groups issued a set of rules for people in the capital to avoid getting shot. "First and foremost, be white. Secondly, you're probably safer if you're up to something - they seem to be shooting innocent people more often than guilty ones. Thirdly, be white (preferably borderline anaemic)."

However, the statement was not all positive. "We note that the crack marksman used in the last clearing up operation used a total of seven bullets. As taxpayers and expert marksmen ourselves, we think that one bullet should be enough - two maximum."

In other news, the IRA have issued their half-year results - and things are looking good for the paramilitaries-turned-pharmaceutical experts. "We have now made a fundamental shift towards drugs and our work in the security market is minimal."

"We expect that interest rates will begin to bite in Q1 2008 but we have an agressive promotional campaign for our main lines - crack and cannabis - aimed squarely at the key 12-18 demographic".

Shares in IRA plc rose 12p in early trading.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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