Atlanta, GA - Resident Gastroenterologist at the CDC, Dr. Herb Greencloud, has been studying whether a person can catch COVID-19 from a fart.
And the answer is a resounding 'YES!!'
Explains Dr. Greencloud, "A fart, as it's commonly known in layman's terms, is very close to the same thing as an anal sneeze, so it very much depends on how big the 'anal sneeze' is, to know if it will be powerful enough to pass on the virus."
Dr. Greencloud took us down to the cafeteria at the CDC, to see if he could present his findings first-hand. He asked a young woman who was just finishing a salad which had been topped with chick peas, if she needed to 'pass wind' yet? And if we could hear it? Then he proceeded to try and press on her stomach.
After splashing cold water on his reddening cheek from where the woman had slapped him, he had another idea. "I guess I'll just prove my point with the Fartron 2000," said Dr. Greencloud.
The what?!
It turns out that Dr. Greencloud spends a good deal of time alone at the CDC, and, with that time, he has designed a machine that can simulate many different types of farts. He turned out the lights and poured some neon green powder into the gadget. "I'll turn it to 'sweet little trumpet' first," he explained, turning the dial and hitting a few buttons. "Now, this is more than likely the kind of expulsion we would have gotten out of that cute little lady from the cafeteria."
You mean the one that slapped you silly?
"Yes... exactly. Given her proportions, she would have probably made one of those funny toots which sound like a high-pitched trumpet. But which don't smell all that bad," he hypothesized, lost in a dazed thought.
Hitting the 'fart' button, the machine made a noise just like the one he'd described. "And watch, a tiny green fog comes out of the prosthetic bum. Not very intrusive. Kind of funny and musical. You would have to have your face right in there tight to catch Corona from one like that," he explained, with a strange grimace on his face.
"Now, let me turn it all the way to 'Three Taco Bell Burritos', and we'll see what happens. Stand back!"
With that, a giant wet-sounding flatulence erupted from the machine, and a green smog penetrated every corner of the lab. "Can you see the difference?" asked the Doctor, coughing and waving at the air. "This one would infect anything with a heartbeat that happened to be within thirty feet. Imagine, if you were on a bus or a train or an airplane, you'd be a goner! Even with a mask, it's unlikely that you are walking away scot-free."
Point proven. We were disgusted at the thought.
"Yes," confirmed Dr. Greencloud, "You should be disgusted. If I could just get everyone to live by this one simple rule: 'If it sounds wet, You'd better jet!', we would all be better off in the long run."
With that, we left the good doctor's laboratory. But as we were walking down the hall, he yelled out one more piece of advice, "Don't forget to wear your anal plugs!"
So, good luck, citizens of Mississippi, who have been voted 'America's Most Fartiest State' for the last 12 years straight.
