Man Says He No Longer Reads The News, As It's Too Scary

Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 20 March 2020

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Good evening, and welcome to the news

A man who worries a bit too much about things, has said that he's had it, he's fed up, and he just isn't going to read the 'real news' anymore, as it's just too frightening.

Moys Kenwood, 56, said:

"I've had it, I'm fed up, and I just aren't going to read the 'real news' anymore, as it's just too frightening."

Kenwood used to read the BBC News website every morning, to "see what was happening around the world", he said, but now things have got too distressing, and are giving him heart palpitations.

"It's all bad news," he laughed. "No matter how good you feel when you get up in the morning, the news can be relied upon to take the wind out of your sails, to pull the rug from underneath you, to rain on your parade, and to piss on your bonfire."

Recently, however, the bad news has got considerably badder.

"The Coronavirus is a scary thing. It's got everyone scared, and I'm no different to everyone else. Well, I am a bit different, but you know what I mean."

He expanded his view:

"We've had Trump v. North Korea, Trump v. China, Trump v. Allcomers, the Notre Dame fire, Brexit, the Sudan conflict, and now a worldwide pandemic at the hands of a microscopic foe that we can't see. What's next?"

If there is a 'next', that is.

Kenwood said that he doesn't watch the TV news either, because it comes with lots of video footage, and that just seems to make things even worse.

He said:

"I don't watch the TV news either, because it comes with lots of video footage, and that just seems to make things even worse."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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