Government to use “herd immunity” principle to immunize people from poverty, by mugging them

Written by Cleopatra Chaos

Thursday, 19 March 2020

image for Government to use “herd immunity” principle to immunize people from poverty, by mugging them
If you like having your balls licked but are afraid of catching a disease, the good news is that herd immunity could help

If you look out through your curtains and see a big, bald, fat bloke with tattoos and a bailiff’s badge on a chain round his neck striding up to your front door, don’t be alarmed. Although he IS probably going to nick your telly and laptop, and smash up some of your fine porcelain, chances are, you’ll be glad he did. According to the government, if you get made poor, then you will develop an immunity to that happening again.

It’s called herd immunity, and was observed by Boris Johnson when he used to be a naturalist in Africa, before he became prime minister. Boris observed that herds of wildebeest who were attacked by lions, eventually acquired the strength to fight back, and became immune to lion attacks. Lions actually ran away when they saw wildebeest, according to Boris’ research, published in Boris’ Big Book of Facts. The scientific study, which Boris assures everyone was carried out under perfect scientific conditions, has never been challenged by anyone else, and is therefore valid.

Applying the same reasoning, if someone robs you and makes you poorer, you will become immune to it happening again, and can expect to lead a rich life, sipping champagne on a yacht. One laboratory guinea pig, Eugene Grubb, revealed that, after his first wife left him for the milkman, and his second wife left him for his first wife, he developed “herd immunity” to social rejection, and now women are scrambling to go on dates with him.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more