Toilet Paper Shortage Scaring the Shit Out of Everyone

Written by JennyNorthStar

Thursday, 19 March 2020

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United States - It has been widely reported that store shelves are devoid of toilet paper. Since the spread of the Coronavirus, panic-buying and hoarding has become commonplace. Fights have even broken out in stores over the last rolls of toilet paper. The future of society is now hanging in the balance by a thread of toilet paper. So why is this happening?

It's really quite simple. With the mainstream media reporting 24/7 on the spread of the Coronavirus - a constant running tally of infections, quarantines, deaths and the impending worldwide economic collapse - all this Armageddon news is simply scaring the shit out of everyone. Not surprisingly, toilet paper is sold out, and constipation treatments and remedies have seen a sharp decline.

With toilet paper so hard to find, enterprising websites have "pooped" up. One website delivers an estimate of how long your supply of toilet paper will last. You enter the amount of rolls you have, along with how many visits to the bathroom you expect to make per day. Not sure if people couldn't figure this out on their own, but I suppose proactively planning your next venture into the cruel world of pandemic to search for toilet paper is worth it.

As desperate consumers look for alternatives to toilet paper, many have turned to napkins, wipes and paper towels. Some desperate folks are even using newspapers, such as the New York Times, or, more creatively, using unmatched socks. The more hardy among us, and some rural folks, are using corn cobs. Not surprisingly, most grocery stores are sold out of corn on the cob, too.

Of course, this temporary toilet paper shortage is causing a ripple effect all the way down the sewage system. Many plumbers have reported an extremely high number of calls responding to drain stoppages and sewer calls, because people are flushing things besides toilet paper. As this toilet paper shortage deepens, plumbers will soon become more valuable than doctors. As everyone knows, they already cost more than any medical professional, anyhow.

Yesterday, the stunning news headline appeared: "Federal Reserve to Launch Commercial Paper Funding Facility Amid Coronavirus Uncertainty". No, silly, it's not what you think. Although, I thought that too! The Federal Reserve is not going to construct new toilet paper plants. However, they are going to start printing trillions of new dollars to feed into the U.S. economy. A current proposal is to provide every American with at least two payments of $1,000. A U.S. treasury spokesperson said all payments will be made in one dollar bills. This did seem a little odd. However, with the current budget deficit running at $1.1 trillion, and the national debt already over $23 trillion, soon, one dollar won't be worth much anyway. It's obviously the government's creative response to the toilet paper shortage.

Poor old George Washington deserves better.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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