Man who stockpiled food gets sick from eating too much

Thursday, 19 March 2020

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Geoff Kerr, 42, of Arsechester, was admitted to hospital on Thursday night, suffering from excessive vomiting after he overate. Kerr, who works as a quantity surveyor, thought that people would stockpile food, so he bought ten weeks' worth of shopping for himself.

His grocery bill amounted to over £900, as he bought 50kg of rice, 700 baked kippers, 300 owl eggs, 25 corned beef shanks, a bathtub of asses' milk, 7 barrels of unbranded cornflakes, a hundredweight of Cyrillic alphabet shaped pasta, 5 sacks of parsnip skins, a cask of mince and a packet of mints.

When he reached home, he found that he could not even fit all of his shopping into his kitchen, so he began to eat it immediately. Two days later, he phoned for an ambulance to be taken to hospital, where he had his stomach de-fooded.

After a short period of recovery, Kerr was grateful to the medical staff who helped him. "It were a nightmare," he said. "I were puking so much, I even had to stop eating. It's a good thing I bought so much toilet paper to clean it up."

But it wasn't all bad news for Geoff Kerr. When he arrived home, most of the food he had bought had spoiled, so he threw it out. "Maybe I'll buy a little bit less next time," said the feckless cunt.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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