The world was left stunned today when the almighty God descended from on high to announce that He, the Alpha and Omega, has officially become an atheist. The surprising revelation had an even more surprising origin, as the Father confirmed that the catalyst to His momentous shift was brought on by none other than the popular snack food company, Hostess.
“It was in 2012,” He told the world, “that everything I thought I knew came crashing down around me. The universe that I had so meticulously molded for six straight days had always been wrought with imperfections… but then Hostess ceased production on the Twinkie.”
According to the Lord our God, the delightful cream-filled snack-cake was His most cherished of all mankind’s creations, “Man, it was delicious,” He recalled of his first taste of the finger shaped snack. “I mean, sure, Jesus cleansed everyone of their sins, turned water into wine, washed whores' feet, blah, blah, blah; but he never baked a sponge cake with a decadent cream filling, did he? No, he didn’t; and the moment I sunk my teeth into that first Twinkie, I was always a bit disappointed in my son.”
When it was brought up to Him that Hostess has since resumed production of their popular gas station favorite, God waved it off by saying, “The damage has been done. There’s no turning back now.”
So was it only the moist, life-changing flavor of the Twinkie that brought His Glory to this impasse? According to the Man Himself, “It was only the beginning.”
“It was three weeks into the stopped production that I began to see things differently,” He said. “I realized, all at once, that I had no control over these monsters I’d created. I was lost, despondent even. And that’s when Mike - y’know - the Archangel? He said I should have faith in myself. Well, that’s when it occurred to me! Who’s my God? Who do I look to when I need a pick-me-up?”
He continued to elaborate on His transformation, “So that’s when I started to listen to guys like Sam Harris and Joe Rogan. Seriously man, their shit changed my perspective on everything.”
The announcement has since shaken the foundation of religious institutions across the world, and none are more perturbed than that of the Catholic Church. Pope Francis, the 266th Pope of the Catholic religion, announced amidst the recent uncovering of a widespread sexual assault epidemic that, “This is the last fucking thing I need.”
The Pope continued, “I’m at a loss. Really. I have bishops and cardinals going around touching altar boys like it’s a free-for-all erotic petting zoo out there, and now God lays this shit on me? I’ve about had it. Seriously, He better get His shit together asap.”
But at the moment, it appears God has no plans to return to His former self, as He has announced that He will be taking an indefinite hiatus to “figure some stuff out”, and that He will be “leaving the reins to Satan for awhile, he seems to have had better control of the situation anyway.”
As such, it would appear that for the moment, atheists and metalheads have scored a momentous win. Only time will tell if the Good Lord will make a return to the omnipotent leader that He once was.
We will have more on this story as it develops.