Signalling an expansion of his real estate empire, President Donald Trump this afternoon announced he has purchased the White House.
"This is a very, very good deal, we're doing very well. Basically I used money we saved by cutting welfare to our most disadvantaged citizens and I sold myself our most revered national symbol.
We're renaming it the Trump House, in honour of me. The Oval Room will be renamed the Stormy Suite and we'll be putting locks on the inside so I can meet some of my "special friends" there in complete privacy for those more confidential meetings."
To maintain the heritage styling, a four poster bed that Marilyn Monroe slept in will be installed inside so the President can take little rests from his hectic timetable.
Democrat critics have pointed out the irregular nature of the transaction and inappropriate remodelling and renaming of the Oval Office. Trump was quick to respond, "These people don't understand my business, they're totally unqualified. I'm leveraging national assets for the good of the nation. They're just against me, just against me, this is more fake news. I intend to charge visitors to the White House, double with tariffs for Chinese tourists". This will generate more jobs for American workers, it's a very good deal, a very good deal. Game over."
The New York Stock Exchange was expected to lose significant ground following the President's announcement.