Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Friday, 23 March 2018

image for John Bolton’s Hawkish Moustache Declares War on the Rest of His Face
Mr. Bolton’s moustache could not be reached for comment, as it was being trimmed.

Washington, D. C.—On being appointed National Security Advisor to President Trump, the moustache’s first action was to declare war on the rest of his face. The moustache’s enemy to the south, his mouth, is apparently on military alert against the invasion. A spokesperson for Mr. Mouth said that if Bolton advances beyond the 38th parallel, he fully intends to bite back.

Mr. Bolton’s eyes, when asked by CNN’s Wolf Blitzer about the threat from the south, said they are closely watching Mr. Bolton’s moustache but at this point were not too concerned. They were, however, spotted wearing sunglasses today, in an apparent attempt to draw attention away from themselves.

As for Mr. Bolton’s nose, it declared, “I have no fear from my enemy to the south.” Mr. Nose continued: “Mr. Bolton’s moustache poses no imminent threat to me. I can match him hair for hair anytime of the day.”

Asked about Mr. Bolton’s ears, Mr. Right Ear reported to Wolf Blitzer that they are far enough away from Mr. Bolton’s moustache that they are in no imminent danger, at this point, but will be listening closely to FOX News in the days ahead.

Finally Mr. Bolton’s eyebrows, sources in the NSA leaked, have apparently signed a non-aggression pact with his moustache.

Mr. Bolton’s moustache could not be reached for comment, as it was being trimmed. Sources close to Mr. Moustache say he is considering growing himself into a handlebar.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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