Washington, D.C. - The spat between President Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden has dominated news cycles in recent days. However, the threats of physical violence they made against each other pale in comparison to what may go down as the most bizarre medical mystery of our time. Shortly after an unexpected encounter, a fistfight between the two political leaders produced an outcome that is truly stranger than fiction.
Our reporting lays out the following timeline of events.
Yesterday, in one of the worst scheduling mistakes ever, Trump and Biden entered the White House Athletic Center within minutes of each other shortly after 6pm. The second they noticed each other, Biden pointed toward the back of the gym saying "I'm going to beat the hell out of you" and Trump responded by saying “you're gonna go down fast and hard, tough guy!” They then bolted outside as they rolled up their sleeves.
What happened next caused the jaws of bystanders to drop. Witnesses to the brawl said that the two septuagenarians threw what seemed like slow-motion jabs at each other for several minutes without making any contact whatsoever. Then, something happened that defies logic. Onlookers said that Trump and Biden landed a soft blow to the face of the other at the same time, resulting in immediate and total body disintegration. These accounts have been independently confirmed by our investigators with CCTV footage.
What caused their bodies to nearly vaporize? Medical experts are baffled but think that a rare disease may provide part of the answer. Among the elderly, brittle bone disease significantly increases the risk of breaking bones, even in a short-distance fall. If they both had this disease, our in-house experts tell us that even a weak punch could have simultaneously caused the spontaneous pulverization of the President and former Vice President of the United States.
A special medical investigation is underway to determine if brittle bone disease played a role in their demise or if, as some have suggested, there is evidence of foreign interference.