Pope: Ted Cruz Authorized To Perform Exorcisms

Funny story written by XRhonda Speaks

Friday, 19 February 2016

image for Pope: Ted Cruz Authorized To Perform Exorcisms
"What they are saying about Teddy is not true!" Pope Francis reveals Ted Cruz has been performing exorcisms since 1997.

Senator Ted Cruz has mockingly been called The Executor, The Inquisitor, as well as The Prosecutor, but Pope Francis revealed that one of Cruz's true titles may be Exorcist - or maybe The Exorcisor in keeping with the spirit of his past nicknames.

Explaining the decision to speak publicly on the issue, the beloved Pope spoke to reporters while he was visiting Mexico, "He's a good Catholic boy, and they were saying he was performing exorcisms against the Church's will, and it's just not true."

Pope Francis continued, "Teddy has been authorized to perform certain rites of the Church since 1997, and he continues to perform those duties." Citing privacy concerns for both Sen. Cruz and Church members, Pope Francis politely declined to give more details.

Reporters asked Pope Francis about Ted Cruz's recent desire to perform an exorcism on Hillary Clinton and if he thought Clinton was possessed. In typical style, Pope Francis smiled and said, "Who am I to judge?"

Democrats and GOP rivals immediately pounced on the issue, many saying Ted Cruz should step down from the presidential race in light of his duties with the Catholic Church.

From Donald Trump: "It's just disgusting, and another reason Ted should drop from the race."

On the campaign trail, Hillary Clinton said, "While we have many elected officials who fulfill duties within their churches, we are talking about the presidency of the United States. The job leaves you no time to participate in things like exorcisms, and meanwhile, there are plenty of exorcists in Washington, I can tell you that."

As usual, The Spoof's crack team of investigators recorded and then played Hillary's response backwards to analyze it and look for hidden messages, but this time they only heard a snippet from a Friends episode.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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