Battle lines in northern Iraq and Syria have fallen strangely silent in the past few days following the latest air strikes by coalition aircraft.
In a press conference this morning in Washington, the Joint-Rolling Chiefs of Stash explained the reason for their new found success.
"What we decided to try," explained Air Farce general Rod Slick, "is to drop porno mags and jars of vaseline on key ISIS strongholds. Oh, there's still plenty of shooting going on, but it's not lethal in nature!"
At this point, CIA psychologist Floyd Sigmund continued: "This outcome pretty much confirms what my colleagues and I have long suspected: What motivates young men from the West to leave their comfortable lives behind to get blown to smithereens in some goddam desert is not piety so much as frustration at their miserable failure to get their pathetic little rocks off."
"Exactly," interjected Slick. "And just think: Would any young man who's been around the block more than once choose seventy-two virgins over some hot suburban cougar milf who knows exactly what she wants and how to get it? "
