An Increasingly Decrepit God To Be Fitted with an Omniscient Aid

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Monday, 31 January 2022

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“Wha—Where are my glasses? A tsunami in Tonga? Where the fuck’s ‘Tonga’? Russian forces massing on Ukraine’s border? What the hell?” These are only some of the many questions the caretakers of an increasingly senescent Supreme Being have overhead in recent weeks, causing the Divine Physician, Asclepius, to set God up for an appointment to be fitted with an Omniscient Aid next week.

The Omniscient Aid, to be worn in God’s Ear much like a hearing aid and connected directly to His aging Brain, might—His doctors and caretakers hope—restore God to tip-top shape, omnisciently, to when He was younger, about the time four thousand or so years ago, when human beings invented Him to scare the hell out of surrounding tribes in a desert somewhere in the Mideast.

Said St. Michael, who is temporarily God’s spokesperson while St. Peter is out for a hip replacement, “We expect God to be back at work by sometime early next month, assuming there are no complications with the operation to fit the Omniscient Aid to the Patient, Who can be—as the Old Testament makes amply clear—irascible at times. The last time God underwent an operation to power up His Omnipotence, Haiti was hit with both an earthquake and a hurricane, as God’s physicians were trying to adjust, just a bit, His Omnipotence level. Obviously the adjustment at the time did not go well—at least for the beleaguered Haitians.” Added Asclepius: “We’re hoping this time to avoid, er, the unfortunate ‘complications’ our Patient inflicted on humankind the last time around.”

As God ages, and as humankind comes to realize that He is, increasingly, a real pain in the ass, His caretakers are looking into long-term care for the enfeebled, senescent Divine Being. They are looking into maybe setting Him up at the same Old Gods’ Home where Zeus, Zoroaster, Buddha, Thor, and Ra and Osiris currently reside, where He can play shuffleboard or checkers and reminiscence, with His fellow gods, about the good old days.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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