Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky gave a rare appearance in the U.S. as a way of gathering support for his country’s plight, as the country is likely to be invaded at any minute by Russian troops. Given Zelensky’s background, it is perhaps not surprising his press conference should take the form of a standup concert. Because Zelensky is not a native English speaker, the grammar was a little halting at times. And, no doubt, some of the jokes got lost in translation.
The president came out to solemn applause. One would have thought this was about to be a somber affair as the president’s worse seemed to assuage the fears of Ukranians. “Don’t worry,” he said, “I am sure Russia will never attempt to annex a former territory.” The silence became uneasy. Then we witnessed a masterful display of comedy timing as the former comic began to mug silently, showing the clear influence of Jon Stewart. Laughter began to erupt as Volodymyr’s expression became sillier and more insipid by the second. The routine reached its crescendo as he blurted out, “Crimea! What do you mean, Crimea? There is already another invasion? Why did nobody tell me? Guess that’s why they tell me to do research! Too late now! What was I thinking hiring all comedians to my cabinet? That also was very stupid!” The air of self-deprecation helped the audience relax and won them over immediately.
“But don’t get me wrong,” the wacky Volodymyr continued, “I am here to ask for help. Hell no, I am here to cry for help. Let’s face it, what are we Ukrainians to do? Five thousand Russian tanks roll in, what do we got? We got five thousand soda pop bottles! Looks like we are fucked! I can’t wait to face them, oh sure!
“Whoa ho, can’t wait to face that famous Russian bear! What do we have to face them? Next to Russian bear Ukraine is a big chipmunk! Whoa ho! That’s an even match!” You really had to see this one to get the full comedy effect. The joke was accompanied by a Power Point diagram of two cartoon animals, and well, you just had the see the look of fierce determination on that chipmunk’s face. It made you feel for the animal, it really did.
“But don’t worry,” the president continued. “The U.S. won’t let Russia win.” He paused for a moment, then made a little puckermouthed face, adding, “Sure! Just like Crimea! Good luck getting anybody to believe that one, Joe Biden!” The applause and laughter just built to a roar with that one.
“Which, speaking of, you know only thing worse than upcoming invasion? (No one in the audience could think of a suitable reply.) No? How ‘bout Joe Biden’s poll numbers? (Groans were heard.) Shooh, I’d hate to be that guy! Makes Ukraine job look pretty good! Look at him sometime, boy does he look unhappy.
“But don’t worry, here is Joe Biden to solve our problem. With what, you ask? Sanctions! Oooh, I bet they are scared now! What are you going to do, withhold their Chicken McNuggets? Just look at Putin’s face now. Smell those pants! Someone’s been crapping in them! China will just buy them everything they want. Joe Biden, he is so old and out of touch, just like tired old sanction strategy. At least Trump could maybe distract Putin from time, with some flowers or a blowjob or something.”
We can honestly say that this was the funniest press conference we’ve ever seen. Those of us in the press corps have had more than our share of boring news conferences and it was a huge breath of fresh air to find a politician who really wants to liven things up for a change. If only the zombies in Washington would take note. (I’m talking to you, Mitch McConnell.)
To remember political laughs this big, you’d have to think back to the notorious Henry Kissinger Roast of ’79. Whatever the outcome of the invasion, we will always treasure the memory of Zelensky and his magic gift of laughter.
