The Troubling “New Normal” Addiction: Freedom Porn

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 29 June 2021

image for The Troubling “New Normal” Addiction: Freedom Porn
The top freedom porn star of all time? Former U.S. senator Ron Paul.

In the midst of continuing lockdowns, vaccine passports, and widespread censorship, the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases has reported a troubling new addiction on the rise among male-identifying neoliberals: a media genre sensationalizing extreme independence of thought and action, also known as “freedom porn.”

One self-acknowledged freedom porn addict, Charles B. of Cambridge, Massachusetts, did his best to explain the obsession. "I truly believe there’s no greater service I can offer humanity than to subjugate my own critical thinking and personal autonomy to the whim of unelected health officials, politicians, and pharmaceutical executives. But sometimes, late at night, when my wife’s fast asleep, I’ll sneak into the bathroom and watch a YouTube video of men acting like men and making hard – really hard – decisions according to their own conscience and values. And I fantasize about what it might be like to actually think for myself.”

The avowedly politically correct Joe Biden supporter hastened to emphasize, "Don't get me wrong. I’d never actually do it. But it’s intoxicating to imagine.”

Another to find himself in the throes of freedom porn addiction is Thad H. of Los Angeles, California, whose favorite video features a large-breasted women whispering seductively into the ear of a steely-jawed, gravelly-voiced man who responds, “Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my freedom." “The woman gets me going," said Thad with a shamefaced smile. "But it’s the dude who finishes me off.”

And the top-rated freedom porn star of all time? The answer might come as a surprise to some: former United States senator and libertarian Ron Paul.

“I loved him in his younger days, preaching about integrity and liberty and personal responsibility,” said Anderson F. of Harford, Connecticut. “But nothing can compare to hearing him these days going off on Fauci and the Federal Reserve. Honestly, it's pretty much spoiled me for ordinary, run-of-the-mill political stimulation.”

Fortunately, says NIAID Director Dr. Anthony Fauci, there is a path out for those struggling with freedom porn addiction: vaccination, preferably of the mandatory kind. “If the first shot doesn’t fully resolve the independence issue, the second or third one most likely will,” he said. “The main thing is to get in the physical habit of baring your arm for untested medical interventions. The mental evolution will follow.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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