COVID-19 Outbreak Traced to Blarney Stone

Funny story written by Vlad D.M. Paylaw

Sunday, 27 June 2021

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New hygiene protocols are in place

A recent rash of COVID-19 cases among visitors to County Cork, Ireland has been linked to the time-honoured tradition of kissing the famed Blarney stone.

Padraig O'Seasnain, head caretaker at Blarney Castle had this to say:

"I suppose we should have seen it coming. Tradition calls for giving the face of the stone a wee peck, but I've seen tourists smooching it like a hormone-crazed teenager on Saturday night.

"Be that as it may, we've instituted the precaution of washing down the stone with fine Irish whiskey after each visitor.

"It may seem like a waste of perfectly good Jame-o, but at least the janitor on duty gets to savour the aroma.

"Mind, though, I've had to warn that O'Brien, if I catch him drinking from his bucket again, he's fired!"

Meanwhile, at Cork University Hospital, Dr. Maura O'Reilly told assembled reporters:

"It's easy to recognize patients from the Blarney outbreak. They might be turning blue from the lack of oxygen, but they seem hell-bent on using their last dying breaths to launch into some grandiloquent lilting discourse on the most random of topics.

"My staff have taken to intubating these patients pre-emptively, as there doesn't appear to be any other way to get them to shut up."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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