BILLINGSGATE POST: “WTF!” The chances of hitting a populated area are small, but not zero. The Long March 5B rocket carrying China’s Tianhe space station from the Wenchang Space Launch Center in southern China on April 29, was carried out despite the remote chance that anyone would be hit by a 10-story, 23-ton piece of rocket hurtling back to Earth.
That said, the chances were not zero, as Elmer Smuckmeister, a retired farmer living peacefully on the outskirts of Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, found out. Although 71 percent of the Earth is covered by oceans, where the rocket debris was hoped to fall, somehow it landed right on top of Elmer’s outhouse, just a short distance from his house.
Smuckmeister, an old timer who looks at the modern conveniences of indoor plumbing as being anti-environmental, didn’t mind getting up in the middle of the night to take a dump in his three-holer during a blizzard, even when the temperature read -20 degree Fahrenheit.
Although he is a Trump conservative, his one concession to Joe Biden’s environmental program was to take a big dump in his outhouse and dedicate it to Dementia Joe and his side kick, Kamala Harris.
A true Patriot, every time Elmer farted, he would say: “Here’s a kiss for Biden.”
Last night, with all the odds seemingly in his favor, Elmer decided to take his two girlfriends, Irma and Milada, out for a midnight ménage e trois poop-a-thon in his three-holer. After tidying up with pages torn from an old Sears Roebuck catalog, they had just stepped into Elmer’s living room when the outhouse was hit. The explosion was felt in Omaha and Lincoln, with shit flying through the air like brown snowflakes; none identical, but stinking, non-the-less.
“Holy F*ck!” exclaimed Elmer. “That could’ve been us.”
Dr. Slim: “The odds of that happening were ass-tronomical.”
Dirty: “Yo, Doctor. I hope Elmer rebuilds after this. Perhaps he can put in for a stimulus loan.”