THE ALEUTIAN ISLANDS (Alaska) – (Satire News) – The Seattle Exulter-Herald has divulged that a herd of seven sperm whales have sunk the Norwegian oil tanker The Sardine Queen, 27 miles off Eskimo Baby Island, located in Alaska's Aleutian Islands.
Initial reports state that the oil tanker was split in four pieces and all four have sunk to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. An Eskimo cargo ship, The Nanook of The North #7, was able to rescue the entire crew of 19 Scandinavians.
One helicopter pilot who flew over the wreckage reported seeing millions of gallons of crude oil, thousands of oil-eating seabirds, and hundreds of gallons of sperm.
The cause of the vicious whale attack is still under investigation, but a witness reported seeing the ship's Captain Erasmus Grungebinder, shoot one of the seven whales with an industrial slingshot used to control unruly dolphins and penguins.
The witness added that the seven whales suddenly lined up and looked like the defensive line of the Las Vegas Raiders.
The alpha whale then whistled and the whale line moved forward hitting the Sardine Queen at least 8 times.
The stricken vessel did not even have time to send out an SOS and all that was sent was an SO.
BuzzFuzz has reported that the ship's captain is an American citizen, and a registered charter member of the white extremist groups the Proud Boys, the American Nazi Party, and the Ku Klux Klan.
Meanwhile, Bravo guru Andy Cohen has commented that Captain Grungebinder will definitely be going to trial, be found guilty, and be sent to prison.