According to sources familiar with the Vermont Senator, Bernie Sanders has just won an award from a major fashion magazine with regards to the mittens he wore to President Biden's inauguration. According to the magazine, the Senator's mittens "happen to be in the top 1% of mittens ever created." The magazine later suggested that Bernie's mittens be cut up and redistributed to all other mittens in an attempt to achieve fairness and equality in the classist mitten world. Senator Sanders is also reported to have considered breaking his award into over 300 million pieces and sending an equal piece to every American.
In other news, America has become such a dumpster fire, that Senator Ted Cruz has fled to Mexico. The attack on the capitol, Biden inauguration, and the Texas snowpocalypse are all suggested to have played a part in the senator's decision to get him and his family to safety across the border. While critics are attacking the public servant's decision to leave the public to serve itself, some Texas citizens don't blame Mr. Cruz. As one Texas resident put it, "With Biden in office, sending massive storms to exact revenge on Texas for voting for Trump, I would move to Mexico too."