GOP Must Now Rely On Post Office They Previously Destroyed

Funny story written by Xavier Fairbanks

Tuesday, 12 January 2021

image for GOP Must Now Rely On Post Office They Previously Destroyed
US Capitol Building; the site of a violent insurrection during the certification of the presidential election.(Washington DC)

Following the shutdown of right wing conspiracy-laden platform, Parler, GOP members must now find alternative means to communicate with their followers. This comes as tech firms Apple and Google have pulled the app from their app stores, and Amazon Web Services has terminated the company's hosting services, leaving them without any ability to host their services on the internet due to Parler's lack of attention to continued warnings by these companies for violating terms of service in their contracts, particularly involving the continued presence of violent calls to action.

According to one GOP representative, Devin Nunes (R-CA) "Republicans have no way to communicate! I have three million followers on Parler. Tonight, I will no longer be able to communicate with those people.”

One solution would have been for these people to join and communicate via other popular social media sites such as Facebook or Twitter, who have much stricter codes of conduct. However, Parler was created as an alternative for members who had already been banned by these other social media sites for hate speech, violent threats and actions, and the encouragement of violence.

Faced with no alternatives, the GOP has had to turn to the United States Postal Service for assistance in utilizing physical mailers to reach their followers. This comes after the GOP originally spent months dismantling sorting machines all in the hopes of preventing mail-in ballots from arriving in time for elections around the nation in November.

"I'd encourage them to remember that sending these types of vile, useless things through the mail are indeed... mail fraud," said one local postman who goes simply by the name of Newman.

"Let them eat stamps!" said another postal worker, who requested to remain anonymous.

In one other instance, senator Ted Cruz attempted to recruit a flock of carrier pigeons to deliver his messages to his followers and vice versa. After not hearing from them for a few days, the senator became concerned about what had happened to these messages. Three hours later, he says he received a visit from the FBI for continued incitement of insurrection.

Senator Cruz is currently being held without bond until a trial date is set. It is expected that the carrier pigeons will testify against Cruz according to a jackass familiar with the matter.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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