New virus measures underway re protections from going loony

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Tuesday, 10 November 2020

image for New virus measures underway re protections from going loony
Heating kits for sub-zero patio dining available now at Walmart

Led by the US, global administrators are reaching new heights of vaccine development.

Nevertheless, public skepticism has been growing as the pandemic continues, although establishment politicians and media consider this resistance “entirely unreasonable.”

Meanwhile, progress is being made in colder climates to battle against freezing temperatures where outdoor dining is required.

Outdoor heat lamps are being installed on restaurant patios.

Descending hail and other foul weather melts on these before drifting to a customer's table.

Customers may also bring snow shovels to maintain table integrity.

Further, diners can use fur-lined masks and battery-driven body heaters as their teeth chatter and lips tremble while waiting for delivery of their food.

These measures will perhaps ensure against flu or pneumonia (i.e. the lesser evil) while dining outdoors under social distancing rules.

However, an alarming new development has just been announced. Not only does the virus attack the body—it messes up the mind.

Assorted mental illnesses are now being ascribed to the disease, which is said to have killed over 250,000 in the US, of a population of 350 million over the past nine months.

That figure is less than one percent of the population at risk, with lingering questions on how many of these deaths were specifically derived from Covid-19.

Other lingering questions turn to the drastic nature of the solution, versus assessments of the actual danger of the disease.

Nevertheless, experts clarify that it is NOT the official policies of masking, distancing, lockdown (plus unemployment etc.) that are causing mental illness.

The covid sneaks into the neural ganglia, particularly in the fore-brain, which is the human's annex for reasoning and making critical decisions.

The onslaught of mental despairs ranging from depression to suicide is entirely due to the unusual powers of this particular virus.

However, a new type of vaccine is being developed in light of this new problem.

Just as a vaccine is meant to encourage the body's ability to resist (eventually), the virus's onslaught (given survival and not dying from the injection, that is), the same applies to a person's mind.

Via computer chip technology, the new vaccines will include doses of “don't worry, be happy” messaging along with obedience incentives.

A melody will start up directly after the needle is plunged into the arm.

Alternative melody options:

“My country 'tis of thee”

“Yes, sir, that's my baby!”

“O say can you see by the dawn's early light”

“I'm in the mood for love” (“nude” may be substituted for “mood” following age ID check)

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more