BEVERLY HILLS – The President's oldest daughter, Ivanka Trump, flew to Beverly Hills on Air Force One yesterday, to get a manicure and a pedicure.
Several reporters remarked how old she is looking. One said that he had talked to a White House cook, who said that she has lost 18 pounds in the last 3 months.
The cook revealed that she spends a lot of time arguing with her father about what an asshole he has become, and how he is sounding more and more like that racist piece of sheep shit, Adolf Hitler.
The President says that Miss Ivanka is an ingrate, and if she keeps it up, he will have her silicone breast implants removed, and he'll give them to press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, who will take them in a New Jersey minute.
Ivanka admits that she is, in fact, looking older because she is always having to compete with her step-mother, Melania, about who has the prettiest legs, the prettiest boobs, and the hottest-looking ass.
The White House Barbie says that Melania is always saying that all of her stuff is natural, whereas hers is all store bought (by her daddy).
Ivanka added that she misses living in New York City and getting all the wolf whistles from the construction workers, the truck drivers, and the lesbian models.
IN A RELATED STORY - Melania confided to CNN's Anderson Cooper that she is getting very, very worried about the President's mental state, because the other day she caught him brushing his teeth with a number 2 lead pencil.
