Latest from the CDC: COVID-19 is an STD

Written by Charles Havers

Tuesday, 9 June 2020

image for Latest from the CDC: COVID-19 is an STD
If I cover my face like this...

As mentioned in my last post, the Coronavirus Detectives Club (CDC) is now telling us that COVID-19 is an STD.

Spokesperson David Shlong explained that an STD is any disease that can be contracted during sex, and STD's can basically be broken into at least two categories.

“The first category are those that are spread or almost always spread through a sexual act involving two or more persons. A condom provides reasonable, but not absolute protection in these cases although for some acts, it provides no protection at all. The second is everything else.” [So now you’re telling us that a cold, flu, etc. is an STD].

Shlong added that COVID 19 can clearly be spread “from person to person when the persons are having sex.”

Accordingly, the CDC recommends the following levels of protection. The gold standard would be for people not to engage in any sexual activity with another person. The silver standard would be for people to wear masks, gloves, and condoms when engaged in a sexual activity. The bronze standard would be to not have sex with anyone who does not have proof that they have COVID-19 antibodies.

The CDC’s performance with COVID-19, as I have discussed previously, has been pathetic, and I thought I would add a little humor to the situation:

My question: “You continually refer to sex between persons as being unsafe. What about sex with animals?”

Shlong: “Thank you for your question. The agency has spent quite a bit of time on that issue and is continuing to study it in more detail. We hope to have a recommendation in the near future. People need to understand, however, that, as with every CDC recommendation, the science needs to be tempered with the political, legal, and practical realities involved.” [Why am I not surprised that the agency has spent time on this?]

My follow-up. “Can you tell us how the political, legal, and practical realities influenced the CDC’s original recommendation on masks and your current finding on the virus spreading slowly on surfaces?”

Schlong: “I cannot answer that question without fully considering the political, legal, and practical realities involved in such an answer.”

That ended the press conference.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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