Zombie Preparedness and a Defense of the CDC’s COVID-19 Response

Funny story written by Charles Havers

Wednesday, 3 June 2020

The Center for Disease Control (“CDC”) has not performed very well during the pandemic. Early on, for example, we were told that masks did no good. Who knows how many lives this cost? Then we were told that masks, even ones constructed out of cloth and paper, should be worn. Today, many Americans sensibly won’t venture into a grocery store, post office or the like without wearing a mask.

The CDC first warned that the COVID-19 virus could live on many surfaces for days. Now, we’re told that the virus “does not spread easily” via surfaces, and some facilities are already using this as an excuse to be much less careful with surfaces. How many lives will this cost? The CDC, to its credit did warn Americans that although cloth and paper can serve as a substitute for a surgical or N-95 mask if such masks are not available, cloth and paper do not work as substitutes for condoms (See “Paper or Cloth are not Substitutes for Condoms”).

Spokesperson David Shlong was clearly on the defensive when was asked about the CDC’s early stumbling. He reminded us that the CDC has much more to worry about than just the coronavirus. For example, it was in the middle of updating its zombie preparedness strategy and lobbying congress for more money for such purposes when the pandemic hit. (Zombie preparedness is an actual CDC initiative; google “CDC: Zombie preparedness” or take a look at https://www.cdc.gov/cpr/zombie/index.htm). Shlong suggested that anyone that is critical of the Center take a look at its website to get a better sense of its massive responsibilities. “Overall,” Shlong claimed, “the Center continues to do a great job.” Shlong also attempted to deflect blame by observing that we would be in much better shape if the FDA, which is independent of the CDC, had gotten its “s___ together” and facilitated better testing early on in the pandemic.

Shlong went on to mention that the CDC now considers COVID-19 to be a STD. It recommends that people wear a mask and gloves, as well as a condom, when having sex. I will discuss that in more detail in my next post.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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