COVID-19 Hates Women Leaders, Loves Trump

Written by Keith Shirey

Wednesday, 20 May 2020

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Scientists all over the world have discovered messages under their microscopes. They are bizarre configurations from the coronavirus. The communications are all the same: We hate women leaders and adore male authoritarians and strongmen.

The COVID-19's messages read, “We despise Germany’s Angela Merkel and her calm explanation of the virus' infection rate, a bick yuck to Scotland’s Nicola Sturgeon and her helpful strategy documents. And holy bats and wet markets, New Zealand’s Jacinda Ardern, with her empathetic Facebook Live addresses and decision to lock down the country early isn’t our pal!

“Iceland’s Katrín Jakobsdóttir, who has offered free coronavirus testing to all the country’s citizens, is disgusting. What a pussy! Whatever happened to capitalism? And how cloying is it that Norway’s Erna Solberg held a press conference just for children?”

“We love actual and would-be strongmen,” say the COVID-19's messages. “Let’s start with Donald Trump. He said we would miraculously disappear and waited weeks to deal with us, allowing us to infect and murder thousands. Of course, we adore his idiot followers who infect one another in close quarters contact! And how about Vladie? Russia now has the second-highest number of confirmed COVID-19 cases in the world. Maybe he advises Trump!

“We mustn’t forget dictator Xi Jinping of China: Under him, doctors’ concerns about the new disease emerging in Wuhan were suppressed. The boys in Iran are desperately downplaying the extent of infections. Brazil’s crazyman Jair Bolsonaro dismissed the coronavirus as “a little flu or a bit of a cold”, and attended an anti-lockdown protest. Now, we deadly virus’ are a rampant there.

“ What would we do without the men?” concluded the missive from the coronavirus.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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