CDC Reports Social Distancing Is Working! People Feeling More Distant than Ever

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Friday, 1 May 2020

image for CDC Reports Social Distancing Is Working! People Feeling More Distant than Ever
“For once, the government got something right,” said Lucas Shore, safely quarantined with his wife away from all her friends.

Weeks into the COVID-19 lockdown, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention encouragingly reported that social distancing is working - as evidenced by the fact that people are feeling more distant than ever.

“I’ve felt disconnected from friends and family before, but I've definitely never been this fully estranged,” said 59-year-old Cheryl Wallace of New York City. "In fact, after this, I don's see us ever having the opportunity to spread the coronavirus to each other again."

In Boston, too, physical distancing measures are paying off. After being court-ordered to undergo psychological counseling for narcissism and borderline personality disorder following a domestic violence incident, 37-year-old Lucas Shore says that the lockdown and social distancing regulations have helped ensure that he and his wife, Belinda, remain safely secluded from subversive viral influences like all of Belinda’s friends. “Thanks to this lockdown, our relationship is finally getting back to where it needs to be," said Shore. With a wry chuckle, he added, "For once, the government got something right.”

And as a result of Rhode Island’s restrictions on travel into and out of the state, 94-year-old Anna Lipscomb, who lives in a Newport nursing home, will remained safely quarantined from all of her children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and other potential coronavirus transmitters for the foreseeable future, and possibly for the rest of her life. “Honestly, it's probably good that the government intervened,” said Lipscomb’s daughter, 71-year-old Marsha Morris, “because if it were up to me or my mom or any of the rest of our family, we’d be visiting with her all the time – which would put me at risk, too.” She smiled and shook her head. “It’s hard, but thank goodness we have the government taking better care of us than we ever could of ourselves."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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