Paper or Cloth are not Substitutes for Condoms

Written by Charles Havers

Wednesday, 29 April 2020

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The Center for Disease Control (“CDC”) has informed Americans that covering one’s face with a mask constructed from cloth, paper towels, or even toilet paper is acceptable, if one is in a position where one’s nose and mouth should be covered and a medical mask is not available. The CDC emphasizes, however, that the N95 respirator mask is still considered the gold standard.

Unfortunately, some Americans have assumed that, if paper products are an acceptable substitute for masks, they should also work as a replacement for condoms. On Tuesday, however, the Department of Health and Human Services advised Americans that condoms constructed from paper or cloth will not protect one from an unwanted pregnancy. An exasperated HHS spokesperson, David Schlong, commented: “Only in America could we have a situation where some peckerwoods have assumed that, if paper products protect one against a deadly virus, they will also work to protect one from an unwanted bambino.” He emphasized that even a product such as the Bounty “quicker picker upper” will not work for such purposes. Schlong also suggested that “the experience” one enjoys when using a paper or cloth product is unlikely to match that when using a condom.

Peckerwood is an epithet sometimes used to denigrate Trump supporters, and Schlong later apologized for using the word . He explained that he was being sarcastic, and regrets the hurt he may have caused for those who substituted paper for condoms.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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