Mayan High Priest Hokum Revises Coronavirus Doomsday Prediction

Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Monday, 6 April 2020

image for Mayan High Priest Hokum Revises Coronavirus Doomsday Prediction
High Chief Hokum Speaks

BILLINGSGATE POST - Mayan High Chief Hokum, after watching the latest Trump Coronavirus update, told FOX NEWS Sean Hannity, that it is time for everyone to practice "grabbing your ankles, putting your head between your legs and kissing your ass goodbye."

Chief Hokum, the official spokesman and ancient Mayans' only surviving doomsday predictor, was unusually pessimistic when he announced from his office in the Yucatan, “that due to a conflict with the Gregorian Calendar, the end of the world has been extended 31 days so that it coincides with President Trump’s prediction that the Coronavirus pandemic will be over by the end of May.”

Because of leap year, Chief Hokum said he may be able to add an additional day to the deadline. Explaining that when the original prediction was made, Mayans had no concept of "leap year". Chief Hokum said that, 5000 years ago, "leap year" had a totally different meaning; that was the year Mayan high priests forced undesirables to jump into a volcano to offer sacrifice to the gods.

Furthermore, he explained to Hannity, that, with the advent of the Gregorian calendar, introduced in 1582 by Pope Gregory XIII, which marked a revision to the Julian calendar by the suppression of 10 days, only those centesimal years divisable by 400 would be leap years. Hokum blamed his mistake on his unfamiliarity with "new math".

Speaking from his reinforced concrete shelter deep in the Yucatan tropical forest, he acknowledged to Hannity, that, because of the discrepancy between the Mayan and Gregorian calendars regarding leap year, he was forced to make an unprecedented adjustment as to when the world would end.

Advised that Las Vegas bookmakers were making the "over/under" on his newest prediction 30 days, he sputtered, "F..k the bookies." With his eyes narrowing to slits, he reminded skeptics that the bookies also picked the 49ers over the Chiefs in last year's Super Bowl.

High Chief Hokum ended the interview with the following: "Hecha annualis prevaricatus."

THE CALENDER DON'T LIE.

Slim: “I don’t know if I can put my head between my legs.”

Dirty: “Yo, Dude. It’s gnarly down there.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more