Desperate FDA Encourages Americans to Drink More*

Written by Chrissy Benson

Friday, 28 February 2020

image for Desperate FDA Encourages Americans to Drink More*
The new FDA report talked "common sense" to one Nashville man.

Frustrated at Americans’ reluctance to abide by even its most tepid dietary guidelines, the long-ignored Food and Drug Administration garnered its most positive attention in decades with the issuance of a press release encouraging Americans to drink more.*

“Fluids are so important,” noted FDA Commissioner, Stephen Hahn. “Did you know that our bodies are mostly water? About sixty percent, in fact.”

Emphasizing the importance of sufficient hydration, the FDA press release urged Americans to up their consumption of beverages containing water. “Even just an extra glass or two of the right beverage* can make all the difference in the average person's health,” stated the report. In a footnote in six-point font, the FDA report clarified that the “right beverage*” and “drink more*” recommendations referred specifically to water.

When pressed as to why the FDA had not included the detail about water in the report body, Commissioner Hahn explained that the goal was to prevent people from getting overly caught up in details. In a rare moment of vulnerability, however, he added, “Mainly, though, we just wanted people to like us. It's painful being dismissed out of hand all the time. Is it really so wrong to want some friends?"

And the FDA's user-friendly message does, indeed, seem to have won it some new allies. For instance, 33-year-old Javen Nelson of Nashville, Tennessee, said that he was impressed by the FDA's new dietary recommendation. “I’ve never paid much attention to the nonsense they spout, because I figured it was all corrupted by corporate interests and Big Pharma," he said. "But this report caught my attention. It talked common sense.”

Nelson went on to state that if the FDA issues a follow-up report encouraging marijuana use, he just might become a die-hard FDA fan.

“We’re working on that one,” said Commissioner Hahn. “Stay tuned.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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