Adam Schiff offers himself instead of Alaska as trade item to Russia

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Tuesday, 4 February 2020

image for Adam Schiff offers himself instead of Alaska as trade item to Russia
Mr. Schiff was reported as somewhat ill following his closing remarks in the impeachment process

The New York Times has reported that, following Mr. Schiff's peroration at the end of Mr. Trump's impeachment trial yesterday, he left the dais with tears in his eyes.

His muttering as he stepped away has been translated that he will make a heroic sacrifice instead of allowing Mr. Trump to continue on willy-nilly with abuses of power against This Great Nation.

Moments before he had stated:

“Trump could offer Alaska to the Russians in exchange for support in the next election, or decide to move to Mar-a-Lago permanently and let Jared Kushner run the country, delegating to him the decision whether to go to war.”

Mr. Schiff further argued:

“Because these things are not necessarily criminal, this argument would allow that he could not be impeached for such abuse of power.”

With "this argument" Mr. Schiff was apparently alluding to the Republican view that the phone call with Zelensky did not amount to an impeachable offense.

To one side Mr. Nadler was overheard saying, “Adam, Adam, Adam”--a response to Mr. Schiff's saying “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry” last Friday at the hearings.

Mr. Schiff went further:

“Mr. Kushner running the country? And of course who runs him but the nitwit Ivanka!”


“I am not sure Mr. Trump would confine himself to Alaska in a trade with The Evil Empire. He may even consider giving away my own home state of California, plus Hawaii, and a few other places.”

“We have continuing reports that Mr. Trump and Putin continually talk about revising diplomacies with Russia, including (must I say it?) a trade of Hillary Clinton bound and gagged on a blue stretcher--for concessions in policy for the middle east.”

“Has the Democratic Party come to this? Standing by while this rogue president assaults and picks apart our nation piece by piece?”

Ms. Pelosi was observed at this point with glazed eyes, but there has been no suggestion of her doing anything improper in the cloakroom just prior.

Mr. Nadler was cracking his knuckles and revolving a fidget-spinner on his right bicep.

Then came Mr. Schiff's final appeal as he left the dais:

“No! Take me on the blue stretcher instead of Alaska, Hillary, or anyone else! I am ready to be bound and trussed as needed!”

The New York Times is recommending Mr. Schiff be awarded The Nobel Peace Prize for 2020, or at the very least Time's person of the year.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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