DES MOINES, Iowa – An unnamed source is reporting that an unnamed source is alleging that President Trump has had a hand in what many are calling “The Big Iowa Primary Mess From Hell.”
An individual who will be simply known as “Simple Simon” says that he is 98.1% sure that the man known as “The Divider-In-Chief” had one of three countries hack the “Corn Cob State” primary elections. He revealed that the three countries are North Korea, Russia, and Bolivia.
Reports are that people in Iowa are so confused, so upset, and so stressed out that many are not even able to eat breakfast. One lifelong Iowa resident, Baxter “Bubba” Buckthorn, 76, of Waterloo, said, “I usually eat four eggs, four strips of bacon, cornbread, and corn pudding at 7 am, and here it is, already 9:15 am, and I haven’t been able to even eat a little bite.” He went on to say that his wife of 54 years, Elvira Jo, 72, hasn’t stop crying since 2:35 this morning.
The Vox Populi News Agency is reporting that President Trump was asked about the rumor that he had the election process tampered with. He turned as orange as an orange and said, “Look, loser, for one thing, I have never even been to Iowa. And secondly, I cannot stand to eat corn. It gives me lots and lots of gas, and it makes my hair smell like reindeer sweat.”
(IN CLOSING – When asked about North Korea possibly being involved in hacking the Iowa election, King Jong Un remarked, “I have never ever been to Iowa and also, I am much too busy making Intercontinental Missiles to mess with a puny American primary election." When Putin was asked the same question, he laughed, took a swig of his glass of vodka and simply said, “I swear you Americans are so, so easy to fool. Every day, when I speak to Trumpski on the phone we both laugh our asses off.)