98 Percent of Trump Supporters View Apocalypse as a Good Thing

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 20 February 2020

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"The sooner, the better," was one Trump voter's comment regarding the apocalypse seemingly being hastened by the president.

Baffled at the continued support enjoyed by United States President Donald Trump, even as he opens up pristine Arctic preserves for offshore oil drilling, removes countless varieties of wild animals from the endangered species list, and brings the world closer and closer to the brink of nuclear destruction, analysts believe they might have found the answer: 98 percent of Trump supporters view the apocalypse as a good thing.

"The sooner, the better," said Don Baker, a registered Republican living in Montana. "Let's take things to the next level."

Anna Levine of Saratoga Springs, New York, agreed. "At first, I was confused when Trump withdrew the U.S. from the Paris Climate Agreement, but then I realized he has bigger things in mind," she said. "He wouldn't have been elected president if it weren't part of God's plan."

She added, "I'm less worried about global warming than I am about burning in hell. I welcome the Second Coming."

Aaron Jameson of New York City isn't religious, but as someone who struggles with depression, he, too, welcomes the end of the world. "F*** this s***," he said. "Let's bring this sorry mess to its inevitable unfortunate conclusion. Hell yeah, Trump's got my vote."

Trump himself, however, denies rumors that he is playing a part in the advent of the apocalypse, instead preferring to stay focused on his political agenda of facilitating the exploitation of every last remaining natural resource for corporate profit.

"I'm not anybody divine, just a public servant," he said. "And the best president who's ever been impeached."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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