CDC issues nationwide Zombie Apocalypse Alter on spread of TDS

Funny story written by JennyNorthStar

Saturday, 5 October 2019

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The Squad

Washington, DC - On Friday, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued a nationwide Zombie Apocalypse Alter on the spread of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). Back on May 16, 2011, the CDC offered guidance to Americans by publishing an article instructing the public on what to do to prepare for such an invasion. In a prepared statement, the CDC said: "TDS is much worse than a zombie outbreak, and is spreading fast. People who have been infected can no longer differentiate truth from lies, right from wrong, and believe anyone who doesn't agree with them are the crazy ones."

Last Thursday, in Queens, New York, a woman with advanced onset TDS at a town hall hosted by Democratic New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, demanded the congresswoman support drastic measures to combat climate change: "Eating babies."

She proclaimed: “We’re not going to be here for much longer, because of the climate crisis. We only have a few months left. I love that you support the Green Deal, but it’s not gonna get rid of fossil fuel. It’s not going to solve the problem fast enough. A Swedish professor said we can eat dead people, but it’s not fast enough! So, I think your next campaign slogan needs to be this: We’ve got to start eating babies." She then removed her jacket to reveal a T-shirt with the phrase “Save the planet - Eat the Children.”

A CDC spokesperson said: "This was a call for action to initiate our alert! It's now obvious people infected with TDS and who are in the advanced stages of the disease will start eating babies." He also warned: "After they have a nice meal, their symptoms will more likely become more severe and they will start eating other people not yet infected." The CDC has issued a warning to all parents: Until further notice, keep children under the ages of three years old indoors and away from strangers. Especially if you might think they are registered democrats who seem to have been the most severely infected."

The CDC is still not sure how TDS is transmitted, but say its origins can be traced back to November 2016 when President Trump was elected. I reported back in Oct 2016, American Psychological Association Announces Armageddon: Election Stress Disorder (ESD). At that time, little did I know how ominous that prediction was. The CDC speculates that ESD has now metastasized and morphed into full-blown TDS. A CDC spokesperson stated: "Infectious diseases are commonly transmitted through direct person-to-person contact. This can happen before an infected person is aware of the illness."

A CDC investigator speculated that TDS may also being spread via television airways. TDS can be carried in the electrons of these transmissions. He advises to stop watching cable news networks such as CNN and MSNBC, which are most likely the cause for the rapid spread of the disease.

The CDC has proclaimed the worst infected areas of the country are Washington D.C., Los Angeles, California, and New York City, with San Francisco, California and Portland, Oregon a close second. A CDC spokesperson stated: "The TDS outbreak is so bad in Washington D.C., that it will soon have to be quarantined."

Personally, I'd love to see all government operations in Washington D.C. closed. The country would be a much better place, and we wouldn't have to worry about someone eating our babies.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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