Philosopher Brings Debate to Halt by Asking whether Scientology Opponent Is High

Written by Chrissy Benson

Friday, 4 October 2019

image for Philosopher Brings Debate to Halt by Asking whether Scientology Opponent Is High
In a win-win of sorts, both sides claimed victory in a debate over God and free will.

In a heated debate over the existence of God, free will, and fundamental life spirit, philosophy professor and outspoken atheist, Dr. Donald Cartwright, brought the discussion to a screeching halt by asking whether his debate opponent, Church of Scientology minister Raymond Jones, was high.

"I wasn't being flippant," said Cartwright, defending against accusations of using manipulative secular tactics to distract from the real issues. "He was talking about Xenu, the ruler of the galactic confederacy. How could I not ask if he was high?"

And it was a question Cartwright found necessary to pose more than once.
Pointedly ignoring Cartwright's initial inquiry regarding his mental state, a bristling Jones went on to discuss how Xenu had used a series of nuclear explosions to send people's souls into the air so that he could capture them. Once again, an incredulous Cartwright asked, "Seriously, are you high?"

This time, Jones didn't bother to hide his irritation. He retorted angrily that the account of Xenu's actions was perfectly plausible and that, in fact, United States President, Donald Trump, had proposed utilizing exactly the same approach in order to deter ocean-originating hurricanes from reaching continental shores. He concluded by stating proudly, "I'm no more out of touch with reality and science than President Trump."

The debate ended abruptly at that point, with both sides claiming a clear-cut victory for their respective positions.

"I'm not surprised," said Cartwright regarding the fact that Jones considered himself to have prevailed in the debate. "We've all got our own versions of reality. Honestly, I'd have been disappointed if he'd done any differently. It might have debunked my free will argument."

He chuckled and added, "You'll note that he never answered my question, though. I guess that one remains open-ended."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics



Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more