Adam Schiff caught taking "matters" into his own hands

Funny story written by JennyNorthStar

Saturday, 28 September 2019

image for Adam Schiff caught taking "matters" into his own hands

Washington, DC - Last Thursday at the House Intelligence Committee hearing for acting DNI Joseph Maguire, Adam Schiff opened the session with a contrived, slanderous, and defamatory interpretation of the actual phone call between President Trump and Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky of July 25. Any rational person might think this seemed a little odd, since the White House had released a transcript of the phone call in its entirety the previous day. Adam Schiff's elucidation was phrased like a poorly-written script from Godfather IV, embellished for dramatic purposes, and introduced in a way to make people believe he was actually reading directly from the phone call transcript.

After many congressional members called him out for his dishonesty, political hack job, and obvious breach in decorum, Adam Schiff said: "My summary of the president's call was meant to be at least part in parody." Yah, right. "at least part"? How about all of it! Adam Schiff went on to say: "The fact that that's not clear is a separate problem in and of itself." "...not clear"? Ha. Ha. Ha. The only thing that is clear, is that every time Schiff opens his mouth, he is lying. Maybe Adam Schiff thought he was at a Trump comedy roast instead of a "sacred" hearing of the congressional intelligence committee. In his own defense, he could say: I just got my calendar dates wrong".

Although Adam Schiff's obvious gaff and dishonesty have been widely reported by the mainstream media, what happened after Adam Schiff left the hearing room hasn't gotten much public attention.

Before I describe these series of events, I would like to invoke the White House's "whistleblower" complainant's disclaimer. "I was not a direct witness to most of the events described. However, I found my anonymous source's accounts of these events to be credible because, they were, in almost all cases, multiple recounted fact patterns that were consistent with one another."

It all started when Adam Schiff made his way to one of the Capitol's bathrooms, after gleefully leaving the congressional hearing knowing he had really given the screws to Trump. A male eyewitness said he saw a man in the Capitol bathroom masturbating like a mad man in one of the sinks. He said: "His eyes were bugged out, face all red, panting like a lunatic. Fearing the man might actually hurt himself, the eyewitness called Capitol Security.

When the Capitol police arrived they found Adam Schiff taking "matters" into his own hands. Not knowing he was being watched, Schiff exploded like a high pressure fire hose on a stack of papers he had placed in the sink. Capitol police said: "It was nothing to worry about. He does that all the time. He also added: "Amazing how such a small pencil could make such a big mess." Wondering what had gotten him off this time, one of the Capitol police donned rubber gloves and fished the papers out of the sink. Of course, it was a copy of his "parody" he had delivered that morning.

If a congressman of the United States can claim parody as a defense for misstatements, I will claim it likewise if subpoenaed to testify regarding my description of these events.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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