Salt Lake City -A biologist's refusal to pay his restaurant tab has led to his arrest, but has also incited heated controversy in the town of Falls Face, Utah.
It is a topic of intense discussion after Paul Ramses, 26, working as a consultant with Dytech International, spoke nine words: "I don't believe in the existence of a cook." Ramses states that being arrested and forced to hand over money, to pay for a meal that just happened to come out of nowhere, exactly how he likes it, is discrimination.
"This has been my belief for the last . . . Gee, I don't know," Ramses checked his watch. "Like twenty-five minutes or so. That may seem too spur-of-the-moment and ridiculous to most of you, but I have the right to choose what I want to believe at any given time when it's convenient and benefits me directly. Mostly my wallet."
The cook, 38 year-old Jesus Lopez, who had owned his own restaurant in Guadalajara, Mexico, for six years before the Cartel bankrupted him and forced him to migrate to the United States, says he has never faced this issue before.
"It doesn't seem right to me," states Lopez. "I went to school to learn to cook. I have worked hard to develop my own recipes, and even harder to actually make the food a reality. Mr Ramses wanted a hamburger cooked medium-rare with diced onions, figs and super chunky peanut butter, a bowl of Raisin Bran with the raisins picked out, and a cup of Goose Springs Natural Water with a squeeze of grapefruit. He was very particular about his order. But I was honored to do it because I love serving people and making them happy."
"Who said they did what?" Ramses asked. "A cook said that? That's insane. I never once saw a cook. I told the waitress what I wanted and she left. When she came back she had the food. How did it appear? Who knows. The point is it was just there for me to enjoy."
"No," said Lopez, raising his hand. "I'm right here. I made the food."
Ramses looked down at his phone. "Yep. Dandelions sure are pretty!"
Ramses attempted to explain the process. "Sometimes food gets left out. It gets moved around, dropped. You have all the utensils and pans lying around. If you give it enough time it's not so far-fetched that it could make itself. You're bound to get a full meal eventually. But what you're telling me is that someone loved food and making people happy so much, that they went to school for two years, created their own recipes, put all the ingredients together deliberately just to make me happy? Damn. The stupid things some people believe!"
Public Defender Randy Jamison, 54, tends to agree. "I tend to agree," he said. "Times are changing. It's two thousand nineteen. You can't tell someone what they should and should not believe. If I want to believe that rain comes from unicorn tears, that's my right. This is the new America, where true freedom is simply a lack of accountability. And, by God, we like it that way!"
"Wait," said Ramses. "You mean rain does come from Unicorn tears? I knew it!"
"It doesn't matter what someone believes," stated Officer Steven Clarke, 38, of the Salt Lake County Sheriff's Department. "You're going to jail today, Mr. Ramses, because in the real world you pay for what you eat. Personal convictions do not change the fact that we all pay the tab, whether we believe or not."
Ramses looked around quickly. "What the? Where? Who . . . who said that? Somebody there? Hellooo? Ouch! Something just closed around my wrists. What is that? I'm being pulled by an invisible force towards this police cruiser. Hm. That's weird, because I don't believe in the existence of police."
"Well," said Officer Clark, "when you get to jail, those boys are sure as hell going to believe in you."
"I don't believe in the existence of jail."
"Shut up an watch your stupid head on the patrol car."
"I don't believe in the existence of patrol-OW! Damn it!"