The UK government is to deliver a leaflet to every household in the country, to help citizens prepare for the event of a no-deal Brexit. The leaflet will explain how to cope with possible food shortages, and instructs people to remain indoors in the event of anything unusual happening.
The leaflet begins: "Listen out for the BBC Radio 4 Today programme at 6am each morning. If for some reason it is not broadcast, then calamity has come, and you should know that the government and probably the Queen too are all dead. Please remain indoors for further instruction, or form your own UK government if you are able to, and you are not Jeremy Corbyn."
It continues, "However, this is extremely unlikely. In all probability, life will go on broadly the same as before, but there will be no imported products available. Half of Britain's food is imported, so citizens are recommended to find their own food supply where possible."
Recipes are provided with ingredients that can be easily gathered or hunted in most British towns. One foodstuff that may be popular is squishi - a form of sushi made from raw squirrel meat. Other recipes in the leaflet are:
- Bat and bird cake
- Real toad in the hole
- Fish and twigs
- Shepherd Pie
Householders are also instructed on how to make their own cooking soil, and how to make spaghetti from worms.
Citizens are advised that restaurants will suffer the same food shortages, and should not be relied upon. However, some fast food chains will be less susceptible to the chaos. It is likely that relatively unknown restaurants such as KFP (Kent Fried Pigeon) and Badger King will thrive in post-Brexit Britain.
One dish not mentioned in the leaflet is Eton Mess, because the government does not wish to remind people how the whole Brexit problem started.