Mass Shooting Saga

Written by Backandtotheleft

Sunday, 4 August 2019

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Thoughts and prayers, motherfuckers

Another two mass shootings in America (250 this year. We do expect that to be 251 by the time this piece is published) have claimed the lives of 29 people, and once again the gun laws of the nation are under attack.

With many calling for stricter regulations of machines that are designed to tear through human beings like paper, others are taking a different tone.

Chad Chadson of the NRA sponsored think tank “Guns and Buns”, which run a series of bake sales across the country supporting victims of non-gun crime, said:

"The idea that making it harder for your average person to get hold of high powered machine guns, in the hope it will reduce the bloodshed on our streets, is stupid. Making it harder for anybody to get guns in other countries has worked to reduce gun crime, but it wouldn’t work here."

We wondered why. The people wondered why. Those poor dudes laying in pools of their own blood in school corridors wondered why.

He went on:

"You see it’s very simple. If we banned guns tomorrow, and somebody decided to go on a murder spree, they would find a way. Washing machines, for example, could be used in lieu of firearms. A man, or a woman - I’m not sexist - could put several washing machines on a rooftop and push them onto passers-by. So do liberals expect us to ban washing machines? Checkmate to the left, I believe."

We believe that allowing a population, that is pumped by its media and politicians to be massively reactionary and aggressive, access to FUCKING MACHINE GUNS is incredibly negligent.

Of course, if someone wants to kill someone else, they can use any manner of household objects to do it. A chopping board. A toilet plunger. Your grandmothers prosthetic leg. But a gun isn’t a household object. A gun isn’t designed for use in everyday society.
You don’t use a gun to open a door or start a car engine. You don’t use a gun to teach children about your constitution, and you don’t use a gun to declutter your haberdashery after a particularly slow sales month.

You use them to kill people. Fuck the NRA!

Editors Note: Our writers are well aware of the current shitpile that our country is, and will get back to moaning about Brexit soon enough.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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