Eva Braun's Secret Diary Reveals Truth Behind British Army's Song About Hitler

Written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 23 July 2019

image for Eva Braun's Secret Diary Reveals Truth Behind British Army's Song About Hitler
"Mein Führer, is it true you only have one ball?" "Ja, schönes Maedchen. I will show you it still works".

In a joint investigation with convicted holocaust denier and Nazi "historian" David Irving, The Spoof has managed to discover the whereabouts of the hitherto unpublished diary of Adolf Hitler's floozy, simple country girl Eva Braun.

The full diary will be published in media which supported Hitler, Mussolini and Oswald Moseley in the 1930s, to whit The Daily Mail and The Daily Express, and will be dramatised for TV's Fox News viewers who have a problem with the written word. As a foretaste of this great literary discovery, some extracts follow:

7th June 1944
Dear Diary, Frau Goebbels came and asked me if I'd heard what the British Tommies are singing about our men. Apparently, it's a big hit in Großbritannien. She said it's defamatory, and she's considering taking legal action. She won't tell me what they are saying so I will have to find out for myself.
(P.S. Why have the Englanders come to France with their Amerikanische friends? Is it for a holiday? I hear it's very nice in Normandy at this time of year.)

21st October 1944
Dear Diary, OMG! It's taken some time, but a nice Waffen SS lady who is just back from duty on the Russian front in an execution squad has found out what the Tommies are singing. It's very naughty!

Goering has only got one ball
Hitler's are so very small
Himmler's so very similar
And Goebbels has no balls at all!
Hitler has only got one ball,
The other is in the Albert Hall
His mother, the dirty bugger,
Chopped it off when he was small.

I can't speak for Herr Goering, Herr Himmler and Herr Goebbels, that's up to their wives as well as Herr Goebbels' mistress. However, there is a sliver of truth in what they're saying about mein Liebling Führer, but I can confirm that it all works very well. Ooh! Have I said too much? Hehehe!

1st February 1945
Dear Diary, I am sooo bored. I am locked up in this b****y bunker during daylight hours and mein Liebling Führer has lost his sex drive. He says he still loves me, and it's just down to stress. I just wish he had impregnated me a couple of years ago, but maybe that testicle wasn't fully functional after all. Some of these SS stormtrooper officers look rather dishy though. I wonder if any one of them would...? No, it's not worth the risk of them being dragged out and shot or garrotted. Pity.

Do you want to own your own fully translated leather bound copy of Eva's diary, complete with your own swastika armband and Eva's personal photos of der Führer's wedding tackle in glorious 1940s sepia tint? Don't delay, order today from David Irving's personal online shop: Nazi Memorabilia 4U

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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