Omnivore Boasts that She's Not a Hypocrite for Eating Meat Because She Dislikes Dogs

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Sunday, 14 July 2019

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Ellen Harding is not a fan even of those animals she doesn't eat.

At a recent workplace luncheon, Ellen Harding of Charleston, South Carolina, lambasted her colleagues for their hypocrisy in chowing down on hot chicken and burgers while insisting how much they loved their pets. An omnivore herself, Ellen claimed the moral high ground by not purporting to care about any animals at all.

"Who are they to say they'd do anything for their dogs when they don't give a crap what happens to a pig?" said the ethically outraged Ellen. "Yes, I eat bacon, but I'm no hypocrite. I can't stand dogs, either. Just like pigs, they smell. Even worse, probably."

Ellen noted, too, that many of these supposed animal lovers who donate to Greenpeace and were indignant at the treatment of captive orca Tilikum by Sea World, yet continue to consume shellfish and other seafood.

"They conveniently ignore the fact that for every pound of marine life that's sold as food, about five times that has been caught and discarded," she said. "They say they care about whales, but they're destroying their habitat by eating fish. Did you know that at our current rates of commercial fishing, we're predicted to have fishless oceans by 2050?"

Ellen, by contrast, feels good that she is completely morally consistent with her seafood consumption. "I'm terrified of whales and sharks," she admitted. "I know it's not politically correct, but honestly, I'll sleep a lot better at night once they're all gone. And talk about smelly! Fishes beat out pigs and even dogs on that one."

Ellen noted that it's not always easy navigating a world where people proudly proclaim their fondness for animals while continuing to eat their flesh.

'If you don't want to live in accordance with your values, then just don't have values," she said. "I may not be a very nice person, but at least I'm no faker. I can't handle all those posers. Posers are the worst."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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