Dairy Industry Explains that What It Does to Bulls Is Totally Different from Bestiality

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 22 June 2019

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The artificial vagina used by the dairy industry to make bulls ejaculate is not a sex toy, emphasized one dairy exec.

"It's not even in the same realm as bestiality," said Larry Wells, CEO of Vermont-based organic dairy company Wholesome Secretions, Inc., regarding the dairy industry practice of stimulating bulls' penises to collect the semen used to artificially inseminate female cows, so that they will become pregnant and produce milk. "It's a specialized procedure designed to evoke a sexual response for commercial profit. Nothing twisted at all."

In recent years, the dairy industry has taken a big hit from press regarding its practice of separating newborn calves from their mothers within a day or two of birth, often selling the males for veal or pet food, since if the calves were allowed to nurse from their mothers, there wouldn't be enough milk left for commercial sale. Wells defended the practice, claiming that it fosters "rugged individualism." Nevertheless, YouTube videos like "Dairy Is Scary" have turned millions of people off from drinking what is essentially the breast milk of another species.

Now, growing public awareness of the standard dairy industry practice of collecting semen from bulls using such methods as an artificial vagina, a shock application known as electroejaculation, or good, old-fashioned, manual stimulation, has prompted some to adjudge the dairy business guilty not just of mere cruelty, but of immoral sexual behavior - namely, bestiality.

Wells claims the accusations are unfair. "Bestiality implies a level of pleasure for the parties involved. It's very clear the bulls do not enjoy being stimulated in this fashion. And the workers we hire to do it don't seem to enjoy it much, either."

The dairy executive even went so far as to equate the bestiality assertion with blaming victims of rape for climaxing during non-consensual intercourse. "It's an unfounded accusation that ignores biology. The artificial vagina isn't a sex toy. It's a highly technical device."

Overall, Wells encouraged milk-, cheese-, and ice cream-lovers not to get caught up in the technical details of the dairy industry like artificial vaginas, electroejaculation, and semen collection, and to simply keep in mind that the dairy tradition is as American as it gets.

"These allegations against dairy are as preposterous as accusing the United States of profiting through violence and exploitation," he said. "I mean, come on."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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