Santa May Just Kill Us All

Written by Danny Williams

Monday, 24 December 2018

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The Biggest Threat of Extinction?

Paris -- During the latest Paris Climate Accord convention, few countries escaped the scathing criticism of environmentalists seeking to quell the effect fossil fuels are having on Earth's climate, but one continent in particular -- the North Pole -- received the brunt of the anger.

"Coal producion at the Pole is completely out of hand," explained climatologist, Darren Greentree. "If Santa doesn't start showing some real restraint over the next ten years it will be too late. For the sake of our children's children we must not allow one man and his army of elf-slaves such power over the future of our planet."

"Frankly," said Helen Whalen, a Swedish oceanographer, scowling, "I think the U.N. should have a look up there. I wouldn't be surprised if they found serious human rights violations -- and don't give me that BS about elves not being human. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. But if you stepped 50 feet into one of those coal mines, you'd pity the insects crawling around in there. I've seen it. It's a frozen hell."

Santa remained mostly silent during the accord, bearing the brunt of the attacks against him with a furrowed brow and a seemingly firm resolution.

One scientist, Gary Grinchworth, came to Santa's defense. "Let's face it. There are a lot of assholes out there right now. I mean a LOT. Hell, I can't even stand the people I call friends, nevermind the dumb yokels polluting the streets 24/7. Is that Santa's fault? He's just doing his job. As far as the elves go, maybe they should have stayed on their own damn continent."

As the accord ended, one tenacious reporter managed to engage Santa by waiting in the convention center's chimney for the jolly old soul's departure.

"Do these people even watch the news?" Santa asked. "Do you have any idea -- any freaking idea -- how much coal it takes to cover a demographic that large?" Santa snorted angrily and spat into the void of the chimney below.

"I've almost never, in the hundreds of years I've been doing this shit, seen it this bad," he continued. "Don't get me wrong -- coal production hit a peak for us in the 1940's with the Nazis. But that was pretty much just a few countries. I'm telling you, right now the naughty is worldwide. You think I like pushing my elves this hard? Christ, I'm not a sadist."

Santa continued up the chimney. When he reached the top, he turned back for a final word:

"I highly reccommend everyone start being very, very good, or Santa might just burn this motherfucker down, capiche? Seriously. I've fucking had it."

With that, Santa boarded his sleigh and took to the skies, disappearing into a dark, ominous cloud of smog.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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